2 years, 3 months...Heartbroken, life forever altered, struggling to adjust, missing Jake, but thankful. I have become more and more in awe of the ability of authentic joy and complete heartbroken sadness to coexist and abide within me at the same time, but that is exactly what they do. The word bittersweet falls short to describe the commingling of these two contrasting emotions. Zach turned 16 and got his drivers license last month and today his dad bought him his first truck. He beamed with pride as he got behind the wheel to drive it home. His attire for the day...his "Just Jake" shirt. He wore it the day he took his drivers test too. No words were spoken, they didn't need to be. He's doing things now Jake never had the opportunity to do and I see within him,as well, the mix of joy and sorrow.
The last month has been a complete whirlwind. It has been 4 years of uncertainty post divorce, and I'm now seeing God work restoration in amazing and wonderful ways. After 2 years of working contract type work and having weathered more than one storm on limited income, I felt God moving me toward finding full-time employment once again. I began searching in November, but found door after door closed and interviews that I felt were in the bag didn't lead to the amazing job offers I had hoped for. The disappointment of those doors being closed mixed with the weariness of being a single parent began to weigh heavily on me and I felt sadness moving to despair a little more strongly than I feel comfortable admitting. Add to that Zach turning 16 and reaching milestones Jake never did I felt myself sinking. Throughout these last years I have felt it vitally important to allow myself to feel every emotion as it comes no matter how difficult. I have felt like our culture too quickly runs to medicate undesired emotions, as opposed to allowing them to do the healing work God intends for them to do. But by the beginning of March this year I was struggling with the loneliness and deep sadness so much that I was beginning to feel perhaps it was time to consider whether or not it had crossed the line into depression. I spoke with a close friend on similar path and once again visited my counselor, both of whom told me the same thing and giving me the affirmation and encouragement that I needed. "Life is sometimes very, very hard and very lonely," but that I could trust myself and my self assessment. I heard no profound message. I didn't feel much better after either of my conversations, but peace returned as I realized that it was God that I could trust even more than my own self assessment.
Mid March brought more death. A very good friend's mother passed away after a long struggle with illness and another friend of many years lost her battle with breast cancer. I attended both funerals within a week of each other, the firsts since losing Jake. I held it together for my friend at the church and graveside at the first, but had to leave before the end feeling a panic attack coming on as they proceeded to the gravesite. My friend's anguish overwhelmed me, feeling her pain as my own. I cried the whole way home, deep wailing sobs of sorrow and gratitude. Grateful for the hope I have in Christ and the blessed assurance that I have knowing I will see Jake again. The second service was in stark contrast to the first. My friend had reached out to me about a month previously, knowing her time was near, and asked me to sing for her. I had no idea how I would be able to do that, I had not often made it through singing at church without crying and I hadn't lead worship since leaving my old church almost 4 years ago, but I trusted God to help me through and I was honored that she asked. Her service was beautiful and filled with the peace of that blessed assurance. Singing and leading worship again filled me with such joy I felt a tinge of guilt feeling so good at a funeral. The church and other worship leaders were so warm and welcoming and I felt God's restoring hand when after the service they asked me to join them in the future.
Bringing beauty from the ashes, God has worked in amazing and profound ways over this last month. Within that same week as the last funeral, I received a full-time offer from my current company that was far better than I dreamed possible and I was able to lead worship once again on Easter morning. God has revealed Himself in new and astounding ways and my future seems less and less uncertain. I see the beautiful mess of my life, the commingling of immense joy and profound sadness, being shaped into what He has planned and purposed for my future and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
As I was finishing getting my thoughts out this morning God brought to mind 2 Corinthians 4 and it seems fitting to end this way... Therefore I do not lose heart. Though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day. For my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
