Mother's Day...ugh!

It's Mother's Day. Three and a half months ago, the one who first made me a mom died. I have my three boys and I love them dearly, but not one of them replaces Jake and the hole his absence has created. To be honest I have never loved Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day might have been pretty good, but I don't really remember. Most of the Mother's Days that I do remember we're like every other day with 4 kids, 4 boys to be specific. I have very good children, I have been blessed beyond measure. They are healthy and well-behaved boys, but they are very much boys. They fight and bicker with each other.  They make huge messes and don't clean up after themselves. They have a never ending desire to "do something" because they are almost always bored. They are not especially thoughtful or appreciative, not to say that can't be, but certainly not often. None of that changes just because it's a day with a name attached to it. My expectations, however do change on this day. I'm not sure why I expect different behavior just because the day is labeled for me. Visions of sweet handmade gifts and breakfast in bed or perhaps an afternoon of peace and harmony as we eat out at my favorite restaurant have never really come to fruition at my house. Even as they have gotten older not much has changed. 

The week leading up to Mother's Day this year was rough. I knew today would be bad. I miss Jake. If any of them was the one to be thoughtful and remember the day, it was usually him.  Friends have sent cards and called to wish me Happy Mother's Day, but it's not quite the same as hearing it from your kids. 

This year, mostly it has just sucked, to be honest. I've search for some deep meaning or a God moment to help me through it, but I go nothing! And for some reason I think that is the point. Sometimes things just suck and nothing anyone says or does can change that. 

I miscarried my first pregnancy. I wasn't far enough along to know for sure if it was a boy or girl, but in my heart I knew I had a daughter. I named her Meghan. We lost another baby in between Jake and Zach and had an adoption fall through after Nate. I lost my niece, Rebekah as well. I was blessed to hold her and bathe her after she was born. With every loss I have grieved. I grieved not only the loss of my baby or niece, but also the future I had envisioned with them. That is so much harder now with Jake. Every first without him seems to accentuate the fact that my future is and will be different than the one I had dreamed about for him and me.  

I think it's fair to say I'm not a stranger to grief and loss. I know that I am not alone. Good friends have struggled with infertility and others have had years of struggle with children who have made bad choices and wait patiently for God to intervene. Others have lost babies through miscarriage, still-birth, cancer and suicide. This year along with my own grief, my heart is overwhelmed for all the mom's who are hurting. On a day when we celebrate moms, I grieve for those moms for whom this day stands as painful reminder of unmet expectations. I'd love to have something wonderful and poignant to say, but once again I've got nothing...sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes there is no promise that it's going to get any easier or that "this to shall pass." Sometimes it's a matter of putting on a nice dress and make-up and getting through the day as best you can. Sometimes you have to look hard for something to be thankful for. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry and give yourself some grace. And if tomorrow it's not much better, just hold on until it is...and know you are not alone.