My girlfriend and I had just finished having a conversations about an issue she was having with her son's teacher, so my frame of mind was already agitated. The receptionist explained that Zach had lost his phone in class today and the teacher had to leave so it was available for pick up at the front desk until 3:30. I was annoyed! I heard he lost his phone and assumed that he had gotten his phone taken away from him and now he was up at the school staying after for tutoring and theater and I had no way to get ahold of him. It was 3:05, so I did the only "logical" thing I could do. I jumped up from the chair with the towel wrapped around my soaking-wet-dripping hair and ran (drove) around the corner to retrieve said phone. Did I mention I was annoyed and agitated???
I should have been annoyed with Zach for losing his phone, but instead at that moment that was not the receiving end of my crazy. Me and my towel- wrapped- soaking-head self marched up to the desk and with an attitude of a queen of sass loudly stated that I was here to gather my son's confiscated phone. The next three events happened just about simultaneously: the three staff members sitting at the desk all stared at me dumbfounded and confused, the receptionist, who had stepped away returned to her desk and Zach's assistant principal, who I had spoken on the phone with many times, but never actually met, walked up. To make sure you have this scene well imagined remember my hair is soaking wet, dripping down my face and wrapped in a towel, I am also agiatated...remember the poor Waste Management crew from a year ago...yeah, like that!
Poor Mr. Assistant Principal was trying to introduce himself while the receptionist was trying to explain that by lost she had not meant confiscated, but actually lost, like forgotten! Oh...
What does one do in that moment other than look for the nearest hole to crawl into...and then send an email...
Well that was embarrassing!! Not my best moment!!
As I was recounting the story to a friend today, she of course laughed with me, but then gave me a lot of grace and reminded me that I still have a lot going on. That I was not expected to suddenly have all my stuff together. She joked that she had contemplated having some "get out of jail free" cards printed up for me. It's funny, but also not a bad idea. I don't at all want to use my grief as a continued excuse, but at the same time I still do at times require a little extra grace.
There are still a couple areas in which I would like the pass or " get out of jail free card". Certainly for those towel-wrapped- crazy girl moments! There are also sometimes that by the end of the day I wish I could have the card for homework projects and paperwork for my job. Church is also one of those challenging areas for me . I have not been to church since November. There are multiple reasons. For one this whole Monday to Friday gig is new to me, I'm used to working 3 days a week. Working 5 days is exhausting!! It's also really hard to get stuff done in the short amount of time of the weekend, especially as a single parent. I have done a fair amount of traveling as well and we have been out of town for a few Sunday's. More than anything else though those things are just excuses for the fact that I just don't want to go.
My last good, healthy memory of Jake is him worshipping at church. He sat in the front row and the guest pastor seemed to be speaking just to him. He told the story of how a 15 year old young lady was able to change legislation, allowing Bible Study in school. He encouraged the young people in the room to not let there age discourage them from doing something big for God. He worshipped that morning, like others before them with hands raised, surrounded by friends. Sitting there now and singing the songs that Jake loved is painful. There are not words to decribe what it is like to sit steps away from where his coffin sat. I close my eyes and imagine him standing there with arms stretched wide worshipping and think about a time when I will once again be able to see him and worship Christ together. My faith is strong. My love for Christ unwavering. But being there is hard.
On top of all that there are people. People who I love. People I don't care for. And people I don't know and they don't know me. Sometimes their words and actions hurt me. I'd like to believe they don't realize that they hurt me, but my history tells me sometimes they know and they just don't care.
Church people are very judgemental, I know because I'm one of them and I have been on the other end of judging someone before. I honestly didn't mean to be judgemental. I really believed that I was "speaking the truth in love". Unfortunatly I realize that while that may have been my intent, mostly I spoke arrogance in ignorance.
I am still hurt and unfortunately the hurting is not just magically going to go away. I know it's important to be involved in a larger body of believers, I know there is accountability and safety in the church body and that it's important for the boys to be connected as well. I know that "Satan prowls around like a lion seeking to devour..." But I also know that my relationship with Christ is secure and that my boys have a saving relationship with Him. I know that this is but one season out of a lifetime of seasons. Healing will come, we just need a little more time, grace and understanding and that "get out of jail free" card...
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