From Beth Moore's study, "The Patriarchs".
1. Our tests have our names on them. The Hebrew word for tested means " to test, try, prove...generally carries the idea of testing the quality of someone or something through stressful circumstances.
2. Our hardest tests involve our dearest loves.
3. We are not powerless in our tests. How we take them is entirely up to us.
4. Obedience is not the hardest part of our most trying tests. Keeping the faith can be hardest of all.
5. Like Abraham, we're likely to discover that the harder the test, the further reaching the ramifications.
As the clocked ticked closer to the time to say goodbye, I became less and less aware of the people and goings on around me. Jake and I were alone in a little bubble. Time slowed down and I began to both dread and cherish every second and every beat of his heart. Thousands of thoughts raced through my mind and verse after verse of scripture and songs came and ministered to me one after another. I am one of those people who underline and write in the margins of my Bible. I know scripture not by chapter and verse as much as by their position on the page and by the notes I have made for myself over the years.
On the right hand margin of the page where Genesis 22 is situated in my Bible is the note, "Our test has our name on it". Genesis 22:1 says, "Sometime later God tested Abraham..." I wrote that note several years ago during Beth Moore's study "The Patriarchs". As I sat with Jake that note came to mind, I could picture in my mind where it was on the page. My first thought was how unfair it was that my test was so similar to that of Abraham and wishing to God that there could be a ram stuck in the thicket somewhere. I knew, however, that was not to be.
I honestly can not describe or explain the clarity of thought and the peace that enveloped me,,,it was supernatural. I'm sure there was a certain level of shock and crisis-nurse-mode allowing me to function, but there was also a "knowing" that I will never be able to fully explain. For instance I knew early on that Jake was going to leave, that somehow it was going to be okay. I knew Jake was with Christ and that he (Jake) wanted to go, or at least he didn't want to return. On some level Jake made the choice to stay with Christ. I realized that my test was as much, if not more about how I was going to respond to his death as it was about being able to let him go. Sitting there, holding Jake's hand, I knew this was my test.
I prayed, "Help me!" "Show me how!" "How will I be able to walk out of this room and leave him here?" And in the midst of that prayer my words shifted, "Help me not fall apart! Help me be a woman of dignity and grace. I want to be a woman the boys can be proud of. A Proverbs 31 woman, whose children arise and call her blessed."
I am far from perfect, I am not a super mom. I've made mistakes and given the boys plenty of material to tell Oprah when they are older. I'm not always the most thoughtful friend, sister, daughter or mom. My sins are many. The one thing I have always tried to be is authentic and real...
I don't think I have ever, in my whole life, been more aware of being watched. I had the feeling of being a fish in a fish bowl. I was especially aware of it the first day at the hospital and to a lesser degree in the days and weeks following his death. It's only natural, I suppose, and rooted in genuine care and love of family and friends, but I had many, many people "keeping an eye on me" and wondering how I was doing. I'm uncomfortable admitting that I wondered and worried if I was "doing this right". Was I grieving appropriately? It did and does bother me that that was where my thoughts went. It felt terribly self-centered. Like it or not though people do watch to see how you respond in a crisis and pass their judgment, even if innocently or unknowingly. "Have you seen so-and-so? How's she doing?" I've done it too. We watch and we wonder how we would respond given the same circumstances. It wasn't until I remembered the note "our test has our name on it" , that I began to see purpose in those thoughts.
As I was looking back on that moment and remembering the note, I pulled out the book, "The Patriarchs." It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. Along with the words of my original note, several other points stood out on the page to minister to me. The first was the meaning of the word tested," to test, try, prove...generally carries the idea of testing the quality of someone or something through stressful circumstances. The other was that we are not powerless in our tests. How we take them is entirely up to us. The shame of feeling what I thought was self-centered evaporated. I began to slowly realize that my hyper-awareness of being on display was deeply rooted in my desire to hear the words "well done good and faithful servant." I want to pass this test and I want to be a woman of dignity and grace, one that Jake can be proud of.
I have learned so much about grief and grieving in the three month since Jake left. I have learned that no situation is the same and that no one, NO ONE grieves the same. I've learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Many people will offer their suggestions or share their story, but only you can decide what path is right for you. There are no steadfast rules for grief, which is probably just as well because I don't follow rules well anyway, just ask my friend Susan!
I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and grace of God. Today is three months exactly an hour ago, as I type since I walked away from that hospital room. I still occasionally wonder if I'm doing it right and I am still aware of caring and wondering eyes watching, including those of my boys. I continue to pray to be a woman of dignity and grace and I long for the day that I see Jake again. I miss him... I joke with God that He will have to let me see Jake first, when I get there, otherwise I might run past Him to get to my boy. He knows I'm only joking... well sort of.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Dangerous Words
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him, I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live
I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all
I was listening to music this morning, as I was getting ready for the day. That is pretty much my routine every morning. The boys' too. Sometimes it's a lyrical battle in the morning over shower time and breakfast. I love the fact that either way it is normally some Christian artist setting the tune and tone of our family for the day. This morning as I was making myself beautiful for a day of chorus and humming along, I stopped and pondered the words of the song that I was singing and tears began to gather. That is certainly not the first time I have done that, pondered the words nor had tears gather, but it did cause me pause to wonder how many times did I sing those words and not even think about them. "I surrender ALL." Sometimes words are more powerful and dangerous than we realize. I can't tell you how many songs I have sung in worship that now I'd like to go back and kick myself and say something like, "HEY!!! Do you really mean that, because one day God may actually take you up on those words!"
One of Jake's favorite songs is "Oceans" by Hillsong United. It was a song they played a lot last summer and fall at church and Wednesday nights. He sang it full voiced, arms raised, totally abandoned, sold out to his Savior. I was so very proud of him. I remember looking over at him this summer. He was standing with a group of friends in the balcony, arms raised, worshiping with his whole heart. As a worship leader and someone who uses music not only to worship, but as prayers, it melted my heart to see that. A mother can really not ask for anything more than that. To know that her child loves God and worships Him with their whole heart is what being a mom is all about, at least for me.
I remember driving in the car last summer when "Oceans" came on the radio, I felt so compelled to pray those words, I pulled over the car and scribbled them down in my journal and prayed them immediately, with tears in my eyes.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my Savior"
At this moment I'd like to say, "I didn't mean it God! I didn't understand what I was saying and I certainly didn't mean you could take Jake! I wasn't ready! I want more time. When I said ALL, I didn't mean this. And when I said "lead me to where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters", THIS is NOT what I had in mind. Another trip to Africa maybe. Trusting you with my singleness, sure! But not this!"
I realize, however, that I don't have control over those things. The old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is a complete and total lie! He does in fact do just that...He gives you way more than you can handle so that you can turn to Him and say, "I surrender!" Because when I say "I surrender all", He takes me seriously and takes ALL my praise, my worship, my offerings, my sin, my pain, my sorrow, my hurt, my tears, my... ALL. He takes it ALL and tells me, “Come to me, you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on my yoke, and learn from me. I’m gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and my burden is light.”(Matthew 11 28-30)
Grief is a hard and heavy load, I break down
and cry over big and small things daily. Things as simple as ordering a
sandwich or a chia latte from my favorite coffee place are hard. Places
and things bring back floods of sweet memories and I miss my kid! I can't
even get through this without having to wipe tears away so I can see the
screen, but God... I just can't be mad at that guy, you know, God...I
love Him with my whole heart, He's everything to me. And even though it
hurts and I don't like it one bit, I do trust Him. It was ME, after all,
that prayed, "I surrender all" and asked Him to "take me deeper
than my feet could ever wander", so I'll trust that He is working out the
rest of that and He's taking me through this valley so that, "my faith
will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior." And I'll
continue to pray and sing those dangerous words, just with more awareness of
what I'm actually saying.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Everything I Need
Several years ago, I had a string of sleepless nights in a row. I honestly could not tell you now what it was that was keeping me awake. It could have been any number of things at the time, but I do remember deciding that it must be God keeping me awake. After a couple of nights in a row of not sleeping well, I invited God to use the time for His pleasure and purpose (might have been Him doing the inviting, but whatever) I asked Him to bring to mind, during my sleeplessness, anyone that might need prayer and in return I asked that He multiply the rest that I got from the little sleep that I did get. That was certainly not the beginning of my "chats" with God, I'm not sure I could pinpoint that time, but it was a marking point in my walk with God. Since then I have had other bouts of sleeplessness mixed with long stretches of nights with restful slumber, but my 2 am wake-up calls from God remain fruitful when they happen and I always wake-up feeling rested when they do. Last night was a good "chat" with God night, mixed with dreams of Jake and seeing his infectious smile.
His message to me, as always gentle, compassionate and revealing.
My life right now, as you might imagine, feels completely turned upside down. Very little feels certain or sure. Part of that is a result of losing Jake, but not completely. Uncertainty has become a companion over the last couple years. When I was younger I could kind of predict how things would go and more or less life would move in that direction, but since my divorce there is very little predicting how things will all work out. My life has changed drastically, that's for sure. Just four years ago, I was a married, home-schooling mom of four rambunctious boys, who worked part-time in labor and delivery and taught child birth classes once a month. I feel silly now, remembering all the time I spent worrying about things like home-schooling through high school. I had no idea all that would happen. That I would soon be a single mom of three not four, dealing with a whole new set of issues like how to grieve and still be a mom. How to maintain a dating relationship and friendships in the midst of devastating loss. And actively looking for a new job for the first time in my life, not because I have to, but because the current one no longer fits with all the other pieces of my otherwise shattered life. No, I could never have predicted this path and really, thank God! If I had known before all that would happen, my goodness, the weight and burden of that! We are not meant to know the future for a reason.
While I am tempted daily to allow the uncertainty of my near future to cause me anxiety, I am reminded of how much God has already provided. In everything, and I do mean everything, He has met my every need and lavished on me blessing after blessing. When Jake was admitted to the hospital, I had very little paid time off remaining. Before the funeral, I had used up the bereavement time and quickly went through the PTO. At the time I called into work after the funeral, I told my boss that I was taking a giant leap of faith and asked for 8 weeks personal leave. I had no idea how long to expect it would take to get back to feeling somewhat normal, but felt God impressing on me 2 months. It has been now almost 10 weeks, normal is a ways off for the boys and me, but in the meantime my bills are paid and we have food and provisions to keep us going. God has certainly used His people to provide for us in all sorts of ways. It has been truly humbling. At times I feel incredibly unworthy, it is difficult to be on the receiving end of things when you are so often the giver, but on the other hand I stand in awe of His church! His hands and feet! I am so profoundly thankful for everyone that has helped us!!
I have two interviews this week and I am certain God will again provide something in His time. My position taking care of babies has been very graciously held for me despite the fact that there is no guarantee when taking a personal leave. I had not been in my new job quite a year so I did not qualify for family leave. I LOVE my job, my coworkers and the hospital that I work for, but I have been working night shifts and with Jake's death and the sleep deprivation that comes with not only my grief but that of my boys, it makes me nervous to return to nights. I don't have a "normal" job. Parents of precious newborns entrust me to provide the best care possible and I don't feel like that is possible on night shift right now. Not to mention the 10 year old in my own home that regularly asks me to come rub his back until he falls asleep. Interestingly there is not a day shift position to be had in all of women's services right now at either local hospital. So uncertainty strikes again and it appears God has other plans for my professional future as well... I'm excited to see what He has in-store for me.
Through all of this I have been surrounded by friends and family. I am abundantly blessed to have my "handlers". Honestly it is because of them that I have been able to do things like pay bills, stay organized, and function day to day. Especially during those first few weeks, I was in a complete fog. I didn't even feel safe driving. For the first 2 weeks I had someone with me just about 24/7. I had food, made and delivered, every night for 6 weeks by people in my community that I didn't even necessarily know. My circle of friends has expanded exponentially and their love and support is astonishing! I thank God for them daily. I am so thankful to include among my friends, a really great guy, named Ray. God brought him into my life last summer and although we are taking things slow, he has been an amazing addition to my life. I feel blessed and lucky that he was able to meet and know Jake and that he was with me when I said good-bye for the last time. You can imagine the stress and uncertainty of dating through an incredible loss like this one, but Ray has been there as a rock to keep me grounded and offered the arms and shoulder of a tender, caring companion when I needed him most. I really could not ask for more right now. My life and my future may be full of uncertainty, but full of blessing as well.
This morning, as l lay pondering all that God has blessed me with and reflecting on the "chat" God and I had had in the wee hours of the morning, Zach came downstairs with his music blaring. The lyrics tugged at my heart, pressing deeper God's overnight message to me. "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't. (Homegrown- Zac Brown Band) The truth of those words have sat on me all day. Although uncertain, I truly have everything I need right now. God is truly my ELShaddai, the All-Sufficient One. Even in the dark places of deep sadness, loneliness and fear He protects and provides for me so that nothing and no one could step in and try to satisfy my soul as only He can. I can hear Him speaking softly, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness" or in other words (or blaring lyrics) "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't."
His message to me, as always gentle, compassionate and revealing.
My life right now, as you might imagine, feels completely turned upside down. Very little feels certain or sure. Part of that is a result of losing Jake, but not completely. Uncertainty has become a companion over the last couple years. When I was younger I could kind of predict how things would go and more or less life would move in that direction, but since my divorce there is very little predicting how things will all work out. My life has changed drastically, that's for sure. Just four years ago, I was a married, home-schooling mom of four rambunctious boys, who worked part-time in labor and delivery and taught child birth classes once a month. I feel silly now, remembering all the time I spent worrying about things like home-schooling through high school. I had no idea all that would happen. That I would soon be a single mom of three not four, dealing with a whole new set of issues like how to grieve and still be a mom. How to maintain a dating relationship and friendships in the midst of devastating loss. And actively looking for a new job for the first time in my life, not because I have to, but because the current one no longer fits with all the other pieces of my otherwise shattered life. No, I could never have predicted this path and really, thank God! If I had known before all that would happen, my goodness, the weight and burden of that! We are not meant to know the future for a reason.
While I am tempted daily to allow the uncertainty of my near future to cause me anxiety, I am reminded of how much God has already provided. In everything, and I do mean everything, He has met my every need and lavished on me blessing after blessing. When Jake was admitted to the hospital, I had very little paid time off remaining. Before the funeral, I had used up the bereavement time and quickly went through the PTO. At the time I called into work after the funeral, I told my boss that I was taking a giant leap of faith and asked for 8 weeks personal leave. I had no idea how long to expect it would take to get back to feeling somewhat normal, but felt God impressing on me 2 months. It has been now almost 10 weeks, normal is a ways off for the boys and me, but in the meantime my bills are paid and we have food and provisions to keep us going. God has certainly used His people to provide for us in all sorts of ways. It has been truly humbling. At times I feel incredibly unworthy, it is difficult to be on the receiving end of things when you are so often the giver, but on the other hand I stand in awe of His church! His hands and feet! I am so profoundly thankful for everyone that has helped us!!
I have two interviews this week and I am certain God will again provide something in His time. My position taking care of babies has been very graciously held for me despite the fact that there is no guarantee when taking a personal leave. I had not been in my new job quite a year so I did not qualify for family leave. I LOVE my job, my coworkers and the hospital that I work for, but I have been working night shifts and with Jake's death and the sleep deprivation that comes with not only my grief but that of my boys, it makes me nervous to return to nights. I don't have a "normal" job. Parents of precious newborns entrust me to provide the best care possible and I don't feel like that is possible on night shift right now. Not to mention the 10 year old in my own home that regularly asks me to come rub his back until he falls asleep. Interestingly there is not a day shift position to be had in all of women's services right now at either local hospital. So uncertainty strikes again and it appears God has other plans for my professional future as well... I'm excited to see what He has in-store for me.
Through all of this I have been surrounded by friends and family. I am abundantly blessed to have my "handlers". Honestly it is because of them that I have been able to do things like pay bills, stay organized, and function day to day. Especially during those first few weeks, I was in a complete fog. I didn't even feel safe driving. For the first 2 weeks I had someone with me just about 24/7. I had food, made and delivered, every night for 6 weeks by people in my community that I didn't even necessarily know. My circle of friends has expanded exponentially and their love and support is astonishing! I thank God for them daily. I am so thankful to include among my friends, a really great guy, named Ray. God brought him into my life last summer and although we are taking things slow, he has been an amazing addition to my life. I feel blessed and lucky that he was able to meet and know Jake and that he was with me when I said good-bye for the last time. You can imagine the stress and uncertainty of dating through an incredible loss like this one, but Ray has been there as a rock to keep me grounded and offered the arms and shoulder of a tender, caring companion when I needed him most. I really could not ask for more right now. My life and my future may be full of uncertainty, but full of blessing as well.
This morning, as l lay pondering all that God has blessed me with and reflecting on the "chat" God and I had had in the wee hours of the morning, Zach came downstairs with his music blaring. The lyrics tugged at my heart, pressing deeper God's overnight message to me. "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't. (Homegrown- Zac Brown Band) The truth of those words have sat on me all day. Although uncertain, I truly have everything I need right now. God is truly my ELShaddai, the All-Sufficient One. Even in the dark places of deep sadness, loneliness and fear He protects and provides for me so that nothing and no one could step in and try to satisfy my soul as only He can. I can hear Him speaking softly, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness" or in other words (or blaring lyrics) "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't."
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Hope of Easter
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him...for the The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God and the dead in Christ will rise first. after that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the cloud to meet The Lord in the air. And so we will be with The Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.
The love Easter, I always have. The resurrection and Christ's second coming is probably my most favorite thing to talk about and sing about. Easter is what this whole Christian walk is all about. It's where our human fraility meets our supernatural God. That word, supernatural, sometimes scares church people, but no place more than Easter does that particular word more aptly describe God. Webster's defines it this way: departing from what is usual or normal, especially so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature. Throughout the Bible, God gives us plenty of examples of this, creation, the flood, a talking donkey, parting of seas, fire from heaven, he even brought time to a stand still for a man named Joshua (Joshua 10:13) and turned back the clock for Hezekiah (2 King 20). Jesus turned water into wine, gave blind men sight, healed the sick, made the lame walk, and even raised people from the dead. He certainly "departed from what is usual or normal." None more than at Easter do those supernatural acts of my supernatural God speak to my heart and all the more this year. Everything, all my hope, hinges on that day, that event, that forever changed the sting and agony of death.
Losing Jake has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It happened so very fast. One Sunday we were at church together and the next I was planning his funeral. The first month I was in a fog. I would not have gotten through without the help of my friends. The nights remain the hardest. Sobbing, alone into my pillow, there is very little comfort. Nothing in life can prepare you for the lose of your child, it is not natural. It's the most horrific ache, deep down to the depths of your soul. No words can soothe the pain. Even knowing I will see Jake again, that he is safe in the arms of Christ does little to relieve the physical ache of missing him, hearing his voice, and seeing his infectious and contagious smile. If not for Easter, I have no idea how I would go on. I'm told by precious parents who have begun this journey ahead of me that the ache never goes away, but you learn to live with it. That every moment is bittersweet, but laughter and happiness return. I can already see glimmers of that even after only two months, so I believe them. Even on the hard days I still manage to find some joy.
A couple of years ago on Easter morning I sang with the choir at church the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. It was an amazing time of worship, one I will never forget. Those words minister to me even more deeply now, as I can truly say, "there is a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well. Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won. He is risen from the dead. And I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles wings. Before my God fall on my knees. I will rise."
Another year I woke up early to have some quiet time before the chaos of having four little boys erupted. In the early morning hours of Easter, I was struck while reading the accounts of the resurrection that it was Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Solome, that were the first to encounter the empty tomb and to give testimony of the good news. I enjoyed all the more that year being able to share the words I have said on Easter's since I was a little girl, "He is risen!" Echoed back by "He is risen indeed, Hallelujah!" It blesses my heart to see God's love for those women, for His provision and desire to comfort their broken hearts, to soothe the ache of their soul and give them the honor to be the first to witness His supernatural destruction and victory over death. Women,especially moms, seem to empathize with one another over those deep loses. I can imagine their conversations on the way to the tomb about how everyone was doing and feeling and then their eagerness to tell Jesus' family, especially His mother, that he was alive!
This year , added to my treasure box, are the words from Matthew 27:50-53. "And when Jesus had cried out again, in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from the top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of their tombs, and after Jesus's resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many people". I'm sure I have read and heard that section of scripture before, but having just witnessed so personally, death, those words seemed magnified to me.
Now that I have experienced and witnessed, first hand, that moment when the spirit and flesh separate, I stand in greater awe of this description of Jesus' death and the hope it embodies for all who believe and "sleep" in The Lord. The amount of energy I felt as Jake's spirit separated from his body was tremendous. My ear to his chest, I could hear the fibrillation of his heart and the surge of energy through his body as his spirit and flesh separated. I could physically feel his spirit leave. I can only dared to imagine what that must have been like as the Spirit of God, himself, separated from the flesh and man of Jesus. Fully God and fully man, enough force and power exerted to not only separate the two, but to course that energy down into the depths causing an earthquake powerful enough to tear the temple curtain in two, split rocks and shake the dead awake in their graves. It hard to even fathom.
My hope does indeed hinge on the reality of Easter and the resurrection. "Where, O death is your victory?" For those of us who live with the hope of Christ and who have endured loss from the death of a loved one, the victory of Christ is everything. It is the hope and the promise that makes it possible for me to keep breathing in-spite of the pain. The sting of death will remain with me until that day that Christ calls me home and I can see Jake again. Sometime very soon, I believe, Christ will return and put an end to death once and for all. Until then I long for His coming and I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. The hope of Easter....He is risen, he is risen indeed! Hallelujah!
The love Easter, I always have. The resurrection and Christ's second coming is probably my most favorite thing to talk about and sing about. Easter is what this whole Christian walk is all about. It's where our human fraility meets our supernatural God. That word, supernatural, sometimes scares church people, but no place more than Easter does that particular word more aptly describe God. Webster's defines it this way: departing from what is usual or normal, especially so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature. Throughout the Bible, God gives us plenty of examples of this, creation, the flood, a talking donkey, parting of seas, fire from heaven, he even brought time to a stand still for a man named Joshua (Joshua 10:13) and turned back the clock for Hezekiah (2 King 20). Jesus turned water into wine, gave blind men sight, healed the sick, made the lame walk, and even raised people from the dead. He certainly "departed from what is usual or normal." None more than at Easter do those supernatural acts of my supernatural God speak to my heart and all the more this year. Everything, all my hope, hinges on that day, that event, that forever changed the sting and agony of death.
Losing Jake has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It happened so very fast. One Sunday we were at church together and the next I was planning his funeral. The first month I was in a fog. I would not have gotten through without the help of my friends. The nights remain the hardest. Sobbing, alone into my pillow, there is very little comfort. Nothing in life can prepare you for the lose of your child, it is not natural. It's the most horrific ache, deep down to the depths of your soul. No words can soothe the pain. Even knowing I will see Jake again, that he is safe in the arms of Christ does little to relieve the physical ache of missing him, hearing his voice, and seeing his infectious and contagious smile. If not for Easter, I have no idea how I would go on. I'm told by precious parents who have begun this journey ahead of me that the ache never goes away, but you learn to live with it. That every moment is bittersweet, but laughter and happiness return. I can already see glimmers of that even after only two months, so I believe them. Even on the hard days I still manage to find some joy.
A couple of years ago on Easter morning I sang with the choir at church the song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. It was an amazing time of worship, one I will never forget. Those words minister to me even more deeply now, as I can truly say, "there is a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well. Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won. He is risen from the dead. And I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles wings. Before my God fall on my knees. I will rise."
Another year I woke up early to have some quiet time before the chaos of having four little boys erupted. In the early morning hours of Easter, I was struck while reading the accounts of the resurrection that it was Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Solome, that were the first to encounter the empty tomb and to give testimony of the good news. I enjoyed all the more that year being able to share the words I have said on Easter's since I was a little girl, "He is risen!" Echoed back by "He is risen indeed, Hallelujah!" It blesses my heart to see God's love for those women, for His provision and desire to comfort their broken hearts, to soothe the ache of their soul and give them the honor to be the first to witness His supernatural destruction and victory over death. Women,especially moms, seem to empathize with one another over those deep loses. I can imagine their conversations on the way to the tomb about how everyone was doing and feeling and then their eagerness to tell Jesus' family, especially His mother, that he was alive!
This year , added to my treasure box, are the words from Matthew 27:50-53. "And when Jesus had cried out again, in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from the top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of their tombs, and after Jesus's resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many people". I'm sure I have read and heard that section of scripture before, but having just witnessed so personally, death, those words seemed magnified to me.
Now that I have experienced and witnessed, first hand, that moment when the spirit and flesh separate, I stand in greater awe of this description of Jesus' death and the hope it embodies for all who believe and "sleep" in The Lord. The amount of energy I felt as Jake's spirit separated from his body was tremendous. My ear to his chest, I could hear the fibrillation of his heart and the surge of energy through his body as his spirit and flesh separated. I could physically feel his spirit leave. I can only dared to imagine what that must have been like as the Spirit of God, himself, separated from the flesh and man of Jesus. Fully God and fully man, enough force and power exerted to not only separate the two, but to course that energy down into the depths causing an earthquake powerful enough to tear the temple curtain in two, split rocks and shake the dead awake in their graves. It hard to even fathom.
My hope does indeed hinge on the reality of Easter and the resurrection. "Where, O death is your victory?" For those of us who live with the hope of Christ and who have endured loss from the death of a loved one, the victory of Christ is everything. It is the hope and the promise that makes it possible for me to keep breathing in-spite of the pain. The sting of death will remain with me until that day that Christ calls me home and I can see Jake again. Sometime very soon, I believe, Christ will return and put an end to death once and for all. Until then I long for His coming and I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. The hope of Easter....He is risen, he is risen indeed! Hallelujah!
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