Several years ago, I had a string of sleepless nights in a row. I honestly could not tell you now what it was that was keeping me awake. It could have been any number of things at the time, but I do remember deciding that it must be God keeping me awake. After a couple of nights in a row of not sleeping well, I invited God to use the time for His pleasure and purpose (might have been Him doing the inviting, but whatever) I asked Him to bring to mind, during my sleeplessness, anyone that might need prayer and in return I asked that He multiply the rest that I got from the little sleep that I did get. That was certainly not the beginning of my "chats" with God, I'm not sure I could pinpoint that time, but it was a marking point in my walk with God. Since then I have had other bouts of sleeplessness mixed with long stretches of nights with restful slumber, but my 2 am wake-up calls from God remain fruitful when they happen and I always wake-up feeling rested when they do. Last night was a good "chat" with God night, mixed with dreams of Jake and seeing his infectious smile.
His message to me, as always gentle, compassionate and revealing.
My life right now, as you might imagine, feels completely turned upside down. Very little feels certain or sure. Part of that is a result of losing Jake, but not completely. Uncertainty has become a companion over the last couple years. When I was younger I could kind of predict how things would go and more or less life would move in that direction, but since my divorce there is very little predicting how things will all work out. My life has changed drastically, that's for sure. Just four years ago, I was a married, home-schooling mom of four rambunctious boys, who worked part-time in labor and delivery and taught child birth classes once a month. I feel silly now, remembering all the time I spent worrying about things like home-schooling through high school. I had no idea all that would happen. That I would soon be a single mom of three not four, dealing with a whole new set of issues like how to grieve and still be a mom. How to maintain a dating relationship and friendships in the midst of devastating loss. And actively looking for a new job for the first time in my life, not because I have to, but because the current one no longer fits with all the other pieces of my otherwise shattered life. No, I could never have predicted this path and really, thank God! If I had known before all that would happen, my goodness, the weight and burden of that! We are not meant to know the future for a reason.
While I am tempted daily to allow the uncertainty of my near future to cause me anxiety, I am reminded of how much God has already provided. In everything, and I do mean everything, He has met my every need and lavished on me blessing after blessing. When Jake was admitted to the hospital, I had very little paid time off remaining. Before the funeral, I had used up the bereavement time and quickly went through the PTO. At the time I called into work after the funeral, I told my boss that I was taking a giant leap of faith and asked for 8 weeks personal leave. I had no idea how long to expect it would take to get back to feeling somewhat normal, but felt God impressing on me 2 months. It has been now almost 10 weeks, normal is a ways off for the boys and me, but in the meantime my bills are paid and we have food and provisions to keep us going. God has certainly used His people to provide for us in all sorts of ways. It has been truly humbling. At times I feel incredibly unworthy, it is difficult to be on the receiving end of things when you are so often the giver, but on the other hand I stand in awe of His church! His hands and feet! I am so profoundly thankful for everyone that has helped us!!
I have two interviews this week and I am certain God will again provide something in His time. My position taking care of babies has been very graciously held for me despite the fact that there is no guarantee when taking a personal leave. I had not been in my new job quite a year so I did not qualify for family leave. I LOVE my job, my coworkers and the hospital that I work for, but I have been working night shifts and with Jake's death and the sleep deprivation that comes with not only my grief but that of my boys, it makes me nervous to return to nights. I don't have a "normal" job. Parents of precious newborns entrust me to provide the best care possible and I don't feel like that is possible on night shift right now. Not to mention the 10 year old in my own home that regularly asks me to come rub his back until he falls asleep. Interestingly there is not a day shift position to be had in all of women's services right now at either local hospital. So uncertainty strikes again and it appears God has other plans for my professional future as well... I'm excited to see what He has in-store for me.
Through all of this I have been surrounded by friends and family. I am abundantly blessed to have my "handlers". Honestly it is because of them that I have been able to do things like pay bills, stay organized, and function day to day. Especially during those first few weeks, I was in a complete fog. I didn't even feel safe driving. For the first 2 weeks I had someone with me just about 24/7. I had food, made and delivered, every night for 6 weeks by people in my community that I didn't even necessarily know. My circle of friends has expanded exponentially and their love and support is astonishing! I thank God for them daily. I am so thankful to include among my friends, a really great guy, named Ray. God brought him into my life last summer and although we are taking things slow, he has been an amazing addition to my life. I feel blessed and lucky that he was able to meet and know Jake and that he was with me when I said good-bye for the last time. You can imagine the stress and uncertainty of dating through an incredible loss like this one, but Ray has been there as a rock to keep me grounded and offered the arms and shoulder of a tender, caring companion when I needed him most. I really could not ask for more right now. My life and my future may be full of uncertainty, but full of blessing as well.
This morning, as l lay pondering all that God has blessed me with and reflecting on the "chat" God and I had had in the wee hours of the morning, Zach came downstairs with his music blaring. The lyrics tugged at my heart, pressing deeper God's overnight message to me. "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't. (Homegrown- Zac Brown Band) The truth of those words have sat on me all day. Although uncertain, I truly have everything I need right now. God is truly my ELShaddai, the All-Sufficient One. Even in the dark places of deep sadness, loneliness and fear He protects and provides for me so that nothing and no one could step in and try to satisfy my soul as only He can. I can hear Him speaking softly, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness" or in other words (or blaring lyrics) "I got everything I need and nothin' that I don't."
No comments:
Post a Comment