Dangerous Words

All to Jesus, I surrender

All to Him, I freely give

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live

I surrender all, I surrender all

All to Thee, my blessed Savior

I surrender all

I was listening to music this morning, as I was getting ready for the day.  That is pretty much my routine every morning.  The boys' too. Sometimes it's a lyrical battle in the morning over shower time and breakfast.  I love the fact that either way it is normally some Christian artist setting the tune and tone of our family for the day.  This morning as I was making myself beautiful for a day of chorus and humming along, I stopped and pondered the words of the song that I was singing and tears began to gather. That is certainly not the first time I have done that, pondered the words nor had tears gather, but it did cause me pause to wonder how many times did I sing those words and not even think about them.  "I surrender ALL." Sometimes words are more powerful and dangerous than we realize.  I can't tell you how many songs I have sung in worship that now I'd like to go back and kick myself and say something like, "HEY!!! Do you really mean that, because one day God may actually take you up on those words!"

One of Jake's favorite songs is "Oceans" by Hillsong United.  It was a song they played a lot last summer and fall at church and Wednesday nights.  He sang it full voiced, arms raised, totally abandoned, sold out to his Savior.  I was so very proud of him.  I remember looking over at him this summer.  He was standing with a group of friends in the balcony, arms raised, worshiping with his whole heart.  As a worship leader and someone who uses music not only to worship, but as prayers, it melted my heart to see that.  A mother can really not ask for anything more than that.  To know that her child loves God and worships Him with their whole heart is what being a mom is all about, at least for me.

I remember driving in the car last summer when "Oceans" came on the radio, I felt so compelled to pray those words, I pulled over the car and scribbled them down in my journal and prayed them immediately, with tears in my eyes.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the waters.  Wherever You would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  And my faith will be made stronger.  In the presence of my Savior"

At this moment I'd like to say, "I didn't mean it God!  I didn't understand what I was saying and I certainly didn't mean you could take Jake! I wasn't ready!  I want more time.  When I said ALL, I didn't mean this.  And when I said "lead me to where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters", THIS is NOT what I had in mind.  Another trip to Africa maybe.  Trusting you with my singleness, sure! But not this!"

I realize, however, that I don't have control over those things. The old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is a complete and total lie!  He does in fact do just that...He gives you way more than you can handle so that you can turn to Him and say, "I surrender!"  Because when I say "I surrender all", He takes me seriously and takes ALL my praise, my worship, my offerings, my sin, my pain, my sorrow, my hurt, my tears, my... ALL.  He takes it ALL and tells me, “Come to me, you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on my yoke, and learn from me. I’m gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and my burden is light.”(Matthew 11 28-30)

Grief is a hard and heavy load, I break down and cry over big and small things daily.  Things as simple as ordering a sandwich or a chia latte from my favorite coffee place are hard.  Places and things bring back floods of sweet memories and I miss my kid!  I can't even get through this without having to wipe tears away so I can see the screen, but God...  I just can't be mad at that guy, you know, God...I love Him with my whole heart, He's everything to me.  And even though it hurts and I don't like it one bit, I do trust Him.  It was ME, after all, that prayed, "I surrender all" and asked Him to "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander", so I'll trust that He is working out the rest of that and He's taking me through this valley so that, "my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."   And I'll continue to pray and sing those dangerous words, just with more awareness of what I'm actually saying.