There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and to die, to plant, to uproot, to kill, to heal, to tear down, to build, to weep, to laugh, to mourn, to dance, to scatter stones and to gather them. A time to embrace and a time to refrain, to search, to give up, a time to keep and throw away, to tear, to mend, to be silent, to speak up. A time to love, a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace...He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has made everything beautiful in its time... I can certainly see beauty in some of the things in that preceding list, but I'm not sure I would have ascribed beauty to things like death, killing, mourning, war, giving up and hate...yet it says He has made EVERYTHING beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiates 3:1-8)
When my boys were in preschool and early elementary school, I attended a ladies Bible study Tuesday mornings. My friend, Susan, was the leader. Our second born children are just about 2 month apart and shared a baptism day, or maybe weekend, I can't remember at this point. At the time we were merely acquaintances in choir together, but over the years of choir and Bible study together, Susan became on of my dearest friends and sisters. She and our friend Karen, were the daring souls who went with us on our camping adventures. They, and the 11 children we shared between the 3 of us, were frequently the topic of conversation at Tuesday morning Bible study. Our conversations in and out of Bible study were seasoned with humor, the very best of sarcasm, love, grace, and sympathetic understanding as we traveled through life with first toddlers, then school-aged kiddos and onto the preteen and teenage years.
Susan's husband, Mark, is also a dear friend and mentor. He was the worship leader at our church and I was blessed to lead with him from the platform for many years. Mark has an incredible heart for worship and for people. I learned so much from him about worship, leading music and true authentic friendship from both him and Susan. They are one of those rare couples that I truly admire. I pray for God to bless me with that type of marriage someday.
Mark and Susan moved away a few years ago, fortunately we are still able to see each other and stay connected through Facebook. Susan was the one who stayed with me after Jake died. She was an amazing blessing during that time. I am so tankful for them both.
I miss Susan. I miss singing with Mark. I miss my Tuesday morning Bible study ladies. I miss my old church, the way it use to be... My whole world has been turned upside down in the last 3 years. I lost the church in the divorce, I think that's how people say it, I don't like to talk about it and I'm sensitive to say much because I still have friends there, but the truth of the matter is that I was more or less asked to leave when I filed for the divorce. I'm not sure why people, especially pastors feel they need to choose sides, but they do. To be honest it's challenging not to even in the best of circumstances. Susan and Mark had already moved away, it already felt different, but I was wounded in the process.
When Jake died, I had not yet felt found a church home where I felt comfortable. Jake and Zach had been going to a youth worship on Wednesday nights and we had been attending on Sundays for more than a year, but I still had not felt the call of God to make it home. The response from the youth pastors and congregation following Jake being admitted to the ICU was incredible and suddenly it felt like family where it had not before. Nothing like being thrown into one of the most intimate moments of your life surrounded by strangers to make them instantaneously family. I needed them, to help support my boys and all of Jake's friends and they answered the call of God to be His hands and feet. At now, almost 5 months since Jake left us, the pastors and congregation continue to be there and walk with us through this season of grief. I'm grateful and though I miss the intimacy that I had in worship with Mark, Susan and my other friends, I am realizing that God has indeed made everything beautiful in its time. I don't like that time continues to march on, I really don't want to keep going. I'd like to hit a pause button or maybe even a rewind. To go back and soak in and enjoy those precious and cherished memories.
I realize, of course, that is impossible and it does help me prioritize how I spend my time now. I recently joined a Bible study at the new church. It was in Bible study that my friendship with Susan really blossomed, so I think at the core of it I want to a least try and put myself out there. I chose one with a topic near and dear to my heart, "Deepening Your Worship." I tried, this week to keep up with homework with not much success and Wednesday night when the time came to walk out the door, I was just not up for it. The mommy guilt of being gone all day for my new job won and instead I went to the park with Ben and Nate. We collected toads, played in the mud, spun on a tire swing and had fun for about 40 minutes until another round of rain from Tropical Storm Bill let lose in the skies.
That night, as I lay staring at the book on my night stand, "Deepening Your Worship with God; A Bible study on worshiping God extravagantly," I began to ponder that thought. For many years I have understood worship to be so much more than just the songs we sing together on Sunday mornings. My public worship at church is often amazing, I miss terribly being able to see God's peoples arms raised in worship from the platform. Mark taught me my role as a worship leader was much like an usher pointing they way to the Throne of Grace. To be able to participate in that is extremely humbling. In private I worship with song as well, because that is how I am wired, but I have also learned that worship is and can be so much more than music. It is an attitude of praise no matter what the activity. In this season I feel God teaching me even more about worship.
Thursdays are hard and this week was rough. There are moments and days when I don't want to do anything, I don't really even want to keep breathing. I am not by any means suicidal, please don't read it that way, it's just that if God decided it was my time, I'd be more than happy to leave. It's overwhelming to think about how long it will be before I can see Jake again. It's awful and very, very lonely. It feels like this season may never end. I resent the fact that the world continues to spin and time continues on. It's in these moments and days when grief overwhelms me that I am learning yet another aspect of worship. In those moments when grief takes my breath away and I find it hard to even find the desire to continue breathing, I hear God whisper the words of Acts 17:28, "For in Him we live and move and have our being." In this season of deep grief, God is teaching me that the mere choice to continue IS my worship. Sitting here, taking in air, and being still before God is as about as much "worship" that I can manage sometimes and I am encouraged by the words I remember my friend sharing over the years, "Therefore, I urge you brother and sisters, in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- This is your spiritual act of worship."
I pray that someday soon God will lead me to sing on a platform again, to be apart of a meaningful Bible study with a great group of women, and that the new church will continue to feel more and more like home. Until that day, I will look for the beauty in this season and I will continue to keep breathing, worshiping God with as much extravagance I can manage.
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