NO! I Am Not Okay.

NO! I’m not okay!!  Thanks for asking.  My baby is dead, I had him put in a box and into a fire.  They burned him to nothing but ash and now those ashes sit in a decorative box on the piano in my living room.  The reality of those words are so beyond comprehensible I can hardly bring myself to verbalize them.  To be blunt and vulgar, it’s completely fucked up.  The fact that I am living with that reality and still functioning as a productive mom, homeowner and professional is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself.

I think it’s safe to say I have reached the anger stage of grief.  You know that scene from the movie Steel Magnolias, after Shleby dies when her mom, Malinn, surrounded by her friends after the funeral, completely loses it?  I’m pretty sure that was me this past week.  I’m mad, angry, sad, overwhelmed, irritable, frustrated, the list goes on.  I want to scream and hit something or someone.  I’m trying as best I can to keep moving and adjust to life without him, but it’s really hard!  In the movie, Malinn, says “I just want to hit somebody until they hurt as bad as I do”, the Amy version of that this week was, “I’m so angry, I could kill someone with a spoon right now.”  My poor girlfriend who got that unloaded on her, busted out laughing, thank God.  I’m not sure everyone would have responded with such compassion.

I think what makes it worse is the fact that I’m beginning to sense an unspoken time limit given by the world in which it’s still appropriate to grieve.  No one would be so bold at to say it out loud to my face, but it’s there none the less.  My girlfriend, who lost a husband several years ago, warned me about it.  I don’t necessarily care what others think, but their judgement and not so thoughtful comments can flare my anger and that certainly isn’t helping at this stage of things.  I am at peace with where I am right now.  I know that it will not always be so raw and emotional, but at the same time, I also know that I will never “get over” losing Jake.  He took a piece of my heart with him when he left.  In addition, what kind of message would that send to my three other boys if I just moved on and “got over it.”  Mostly I would like to respond to those stupid comments with some nasty reply and someday I might.  Maybe I should have some business cards printed and ready to explain when I open my mouth and something like, “well my kid is dead and his ashes are sitting on my piano at home, so I win!” come flying out of my mouth without explanation.  Maybe I should just carry around spoons, at least then I could laugh at my passive-aggressive self.  Unfortunately then I would just feel bad for unloading on the poor unsuspecting soul, who is just not thinking.  Ah, the angry stage….hope it passes quickly!

The six month mark is a little more than a week away, his birthday was a week ago and I am a complete mess.  I still feel his presence in everything.  It feels like he ran to a friend’s house and I’m just waiting for him to get home.  Then reality hits again…it’s an awful reality.  I miss him and I’m afraid of forgetting.  I miss being silly with him and hanging out with his friends.  I get sad thinking about what he would be doing if he was here and the life he’s missing out on.

Last week we celebrated Jake’s birthday, by throwing a festival and huge community birthday party.  The plan was initially to have a big party and spend the day with his friends celebrating Jake’s life.  Zach came up with the idea as a way to spend the day not being sad.  We had also discussed starting a Memorial scholarship in his name, so the two ideas became combined and the event took on a life of its own.  It was an amazing night.  I once again got a greater understanding of the impact my son had on so many lives.  With the funds that we raised on his birthday, we are establishing The Jake Silva Memorial Fine Arts Scholarship.  Though bittersweet, I am excited to begin giving back to a community who has completely overwhelmed me with love and support and I am hopeful that through the kids that go on to their own careers in the Arts, that I might live vicariously through them and that Jake’s name will be remembered

The impact he made in his short 15 years still astounds me.  He is remembered as a sweet, caring, amazing friend, who wore his heart on his sleeve.  He was nice to people even if they were not nice to him.  He was a great listener, who shared Christ, unashamed and gave THE BEST HUGS!  His friends continue to write daily on his social media, which I do sometimes read.  We had over 175 volunteers at his party, not to mention those who came to just celebrate his life.  It’s amazing to me his impact.  “Just Jake”, the name we have adopted to describe him and his memorial has gone international…t-shirts spotted all over the US and in Mexico.  My blog has been viewed all across the globe…Europe, Asia, Australia, Africa and the Middle East.  In fact, as I type today, I am wrapped in a shawl made for me by a group of women in Australia, most of whom I have never met, who wanted to let me know how our story and the intersection of meeting my friend has impacted their life.  So in spite of being in the angry stage and feeling at times judged, God allows me respite in the knowing that there is a greater purpose and plan at work here.  He is still walking with me through every step and sending love from all over the world to let me know I’m not alone.  And “I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5)