Last night I had the pleasure of meeting a women named Mary Beth. She was speaking at a women's conference that I attended. After the conference ended, I felt compelled to just go give her a hug. We share an unfortunate bond, we are both members of a club for which the price of membership is more than anyone would willingly pay.
I waited in line to speak with her and when my turn came I simply said I'd like you give you a hug. I told her I had also lost a child, mine just two months ago. She said she was sorry and asked for Jake's name. I gave her a quick summary of the circumstances of his death and she echoed back words I have said a lot lately, "there really are just no words." After a moment of pause, she shared a quick story about her family. She said after her family returned to their home, following the death of her daughter, Maria, they had decided, as an object lesson, to break a vase in order to glue the pieces back together. They had hoped this would give them a picture of how God would work to put back together the shattered pieces of their lives following their loss. She said they placed the vase in a bag and threw it to the ground. With a wry smile she explained, "we must have thrown it a little too hard because it shattered into dust." "We shook our head, shrugged and tossed it in the trash." We both laughed, hugged once more and then said good-bye.
I pondered that simple story today and felt God again speaking to my heart. He so often uses lessons like that to speak truth into my life. The first thing He showed me in that shattered vase was that somethings only God can rebuild. Maria, like Jake, is irreplaceable. Our families, like that vase was shattered. Not only shattered but missing an important piece. Mary Beth's family, along with mine will never again look the same this side of Heaven and only God can fix it.
Secondly, he showed me that like that vase shattered into dust, the pieces will never again shape into a vase even remotely resembling the original. But God, the master builder and craftsman can take the dust and broken pieces and create something entirely new. Redesigned and repurposed according to His plan. My family will never again look the same, but God is not finished with us. He is after all the master craftsman and He has a plan and a purpose for not only our current brokenness, but our future as well.
I have struggled over the last couple weeks with feelings of brokenness. My divorce two years ago coupled now with the loss of Jake has produced feelings of deep loneliness and a feeling of profound sadness. It's hard to imagine much good coming from being in such a state, but I know God will prove otherwise. I do not understand and I certainly would not have chosen this path, but I do trust Him to pick up the broken pieces, sweep up the dust and restore and repurpose me and my family.
As I struggled with the best way to end, this verse came to mind...God once again whispering to my heart. "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it in to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6) Yes and Amen! He most certainly will.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
Life Gift
Not long after arriving to Texas Children's Hospital one of the doctors came out to talk to us. The news was not good, his blood pressure was not stable, he was in shock, and his pupils were fixed and dilated. She said she was very concerned and could not give us any assurances. I knew the look and I understood, my baby was not going to be okay. They took him down for an emergency CT scan and took a couple of hours to stabilize him and place the nessasary IV lines. The wait was agonizing. When we finally were called back to see him, the news was not good. The bacteria causing his meningitis is an aggressive, pus producing bacteria, that causes rapid and massive swelling. The capacity of the skull is limited and the amount of swelling present had caused Jake's brain to herniated. Which meant that his skull was too small and his brain had begun to press out and down the natural opening at the base of the skull. There was no way, at that point to relieve the pressure and worse it was likely that his brain would swell further before the antibiotics he was receiving would make any difference.
I knew what the answer was before I asked, but I asked anyway. "Is there any chance that I would ever get my Jake back?" "No."
His dad and I exchanged glances and agreed that Jake would not want to stay if he was not able to do everything he was able to do before. We made the desicion to let Jake go. More testing would be done to determine if he had any brain function left, but I knew in my heart Jake was already walking with Jesus.
Nurse mode took over and I asked about Life Gift. As a labor and delivery nurse I have several times contacted them, but none of my patients have ever been a candidate for organ donation. I am a registered organ donor and I know what an impact that can be, but honestly at that point it was just a checkpoint on my list of nurse end of life procedures.
We did not hear again about or from Life Gift until very late Wednesday night, well after we had determined that Jake was in fact brain dead. By that time I had been awake for close to 24 hours, after only a few hours sleep Tuesday morning, having worked night shift Monday night. To say I was tired and emotional would have been a huge understatement.
I really did not understand prior to this experience with Jake, what a sacrifice organ donation is for the donor's family. It is not as simple as saying okay. There is lab work and many, many hours of evaluation that goes into the process. Due to his illness, Jake was not a candidate for tissue donation, but he was eligible for full organ donation. The process, however would take at minimum 18 hours but up to 3 days. The sacrifice was more than I could bear. We knew already at that point that Jake was brain dead, but the official test could not take place until he had been admitted for 24 hours, so the whole process for Life Gift could not even begin until 7 am Thursday morning. Sitting there holding Jake's hand, knowing he was gone, but still physically alive was heart-wrenching. I could not even fathom going through that agony for another 30 hours, let alone 3 more days.
The Life Gift representative stepped out and my dear friend Stephanie talked with her further. I was given 20 minutes to sit with Jake before family and friends insisted that I take a nap.
I slept for about 3 hours and when I woke up, our friend Aaron came and explained that we had another option. It was possible for Jake to save up to three lives with his path and requires much less time, approximately 8 hours. I felt that I had the strength to endure and we made the decision to proceed which that option. Jake's liver and both kidneys would be taken allowing three others to live.
The process was not easy and to be very honest the time was excruciating. After we left the hospital, I told my mom that although I am an organ donor, I leave that decision up to the family surrounding me at that time. It was a tremendous sacrifice.
As I write this, about 6 weeks later, I would have made the same choice. I am thankful for the time I had with Jake and I am sure God will, in His time, allow me to see the blessing and impact of our sacrifice and Jake's gift.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Life Goes On
"I'm not Jake, Mom."
Zach and I went to Washington DC for his 8th grade trip over Spring Break last week. We both had a nice time. The trip was filled with history and moments of awe. Zach had the honor and privilege, along with his friend Walker, to lay a wreath at The Tomb of the Unknown at Arlington Cemetary, we toured the Capitol, Supreme Court building, many of the Smithsonian museums and monuments of great men and war remembrance. I enjoyed the time away with Zach, making memories and new friends. I had been able to go with Jake to New York for his 8th grade trip, so it made it even more special to be able to do the same with Zach and I look forward to spending the time with Ben and Nate when it's their year for their 8th grade trips.
As it is the case with most things now that Jake is gone, there is an element of bittersweet in everything. I realized quickly on day 1 of our trip that it was going to be a very different trip from the one I had taken with Jake to New York, for multiple reasons really. Different city, different nature of the trip, different group of kids and adults, and most importantly, this was Zach's trip, not Jake's.
That would have been the case no matter what the circumstances. No one will ever replace Jake, nor would I want them to and as painful as that is, it's how it's suppose to be. I miss him so very much that it's physically painful and I don't see that changing anytime soon. At the same time I am overwhelmingly thankful for the time we had together and for all the beautiful and fun memories. All that being said, I have four sons, not just Jake. Four different, amazing, talented, smart, funny and unique sons that I love dearly. Jake will always be missed, but I don't want his death to be the end. I intend to enjoy and cherish every moment, good or not so good, with each of my boys as long as I have them with me.
Zach told me on the first day of our DC trip, when I was trying to get him to take a goofy picture with me, "I'm not Jake, Mom." At first it made me a little sad, but then I let those words really sink in. No, you're not Jake, Zach. You are Zach and I love you to the moon and back again.
Zach and I went to Washington DC for his 8th grade trip over Spring Break last week. We both had a nice time. The trip was filled with history and moments of awe. Zach had the honor and privilege, along with his friend Walker, to lay a wreath at The Tomb of the Unknown at Arlington Cemetary, we toured the Capitol, Supreme Court building, many of the Smithsonian museums and monuments of great men and war remembrance. I enjoyed the time away with Zach, making memories and new friends. I had been able to go with Jake to New York for his 8th grade trip, so it made it even more special to be able to do the same with Zach and I look forward to spending the time with Ben and Nate when it's their year for their 8th grade trips.
As it is the case with most things now that Jake is gone, there is an element of bittersweet in everything. I realized quickly on day 1 of our trip that it was going to be a very different trip from the one I had taken with Jake to New York, for multiple reasons really. Different city, different nature of the trip, different group of kids and adults, and most importantly, this was Zach's trip, not Jake's.
That would have been the case no matter what the circumstances. No one will ever replace Jake, nor would I want them to and as painful as that is, it's how it's suppose to be. I miss him so very much that it's physically painful and I don't see that changing anytime soon. At the same time I am overwhelmingly thankful for the time we had together and for all the beautiful and fun memories. All that being said, I have four sons, not just Jake. Four different, amazing, talented, smart, funny and unique sons that I love dearly. Jake will always be missed, but I don't want his death to be the end. I intend to enjoy and cherish every moment, good or not so good, with each of my boys as long as I have them with me.
Zach told me on the first day of our DC trip, when I was trying to get him to take a goofy picture with me, "I'm not Jake, Mom." At first it made me a little sad, but then I let those words really sink in. No, you're not Jake, Zach. You are Zach and I love you to the moon and back again.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
The gift of laughter
God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me. (Genesis 21:6)
I'm sure many of you moms can relate to this, but sometimes stress and business or in my case trying to do too many things at once, can cause me to act completely ridiculous. Last summer I had all 4 boys in the car with me, when as usual I was trying to pack in as many errands as possible before I had to go to work for the night. I pulled into the parking lot of our local grocery store during quite possibly the busiest time of the afternoon. To make that slightly more hectic it was beginning to rain, one of those good afternoon, summertime Texas thunderstorms. I had some Redbox movies that were late so my thought was that one of the boys could just jump out and return them, I could make a loop in the parking lot, come back and pick them up, completing one more thing on my list for the day....Wrong! I guess the well thoughtout plan in my head did not translate well when I hurriedly shouted it to my passengers, all of whom stared at me as if I was speaking a foreign language. Mind you there was now a line of cars behind me in the dinner-time rush of the grocery store parking lot and the light mist of rain had become large droplets coming with ever more frequency. The stress, frustration, and panic of "could you just please listen and read my mind" that mothers so often get after a long day with 4 boys hit with full force and I began to exclaim "bad idea,bad idea!!!"
The boys sat silent as I laid on the excelerator giving up on the plan. No one dared say a word, mom had LOST it. And then I just busted out laughing!!! After a quick glance at each other they all laughed too! I apologized to the boys for not being clear and rushing and most of all losing my temper over something so very silly. We all had a good laugh at my expense. To this day we still laugh about it. Jake was the worst at playfully mocking me by saying, "bad idea, bad idea" when I had other mom moments. We had a lot of fun together.
I am positive Jake was laughing at me and saying "bad idea, bad idea" a couple of weeks ago when I had an encounter with the Waste Management recycle guys. Another one of my "she's losing it moments."
Three weeks after Jake went home to heaven, the funeral home director called to let me know that his remains were ready. Two dear friends arrived to take me, and as we were backing out of the driveway, the Waste Management Recycle guys stopped right behind us trying to back out of the driveway. To my shock they very rudely threw my neighbors' recycle bin in front of the car on my driveway. I was appalled at their rudeness. My stress level was high, needless-to-say considering where we were going, in addition to the fact that we were running just a little bit behind schedule. Add to that some stressful phone calls I had just had to deal with. I decided this was too much and they needed to understand how rude they had been. So I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and proceeded to yell, no, more like scream, "I am on my way to pick up my son's ashes and that was just horribly rude!!!" And in case they didn't hear me, after grabbing my neighbors bin off of my driveway, I finished it off with, "He died! He's dead! And YOU ARE RUDE!!!" (Make sure you picture all of that keeping in mind that I'm dressed in nice dress slacks and heels while waving the neighbors' recycle bin wildly over my head)
PS: Waste Management received a phone call that day from my friend, Jennifer Morris, who was in the car with me. Oh to be a fly on the wall for that conversation...
I'm sure many of you moms can relate to this, but sometimes stress and business or in my case trying to do too many things at once, can cause me to act completely ridiculous. Last summer I had all 4 boys in the car with me, when as usual I was trying to pack in as many errands as possible before I had to go to work for the night. I pulled into the parking lot of our local grocery store during quite possibly the busiest time of the afternoon. To make that slightly more hectic it was beginning to rain, one of those good afternoon, summertime Texas thunderstorms. I had some Redbox movies that were late so my thought was that one of the boys could just jump out and return them, I could make a loop in the parking lot, come back and pick them up, completing one more thing on my list for the day....Wrong! I guess the well thoughtout plan in my head did not translate well when I hurriedly shouted it to my passengers, all of whom stared at me as if I was speaking a foreign language. Mind you there was now a line of cars behind me in the dinner-time rush of the grocery store parking lot and the light mist of rain had become large droplets coming with ever more frequency. The stress, frustration, and panic of "could you just please listen and read my mind" that mothers so often get after a long day with 4 boys hit with full force and I began to exclaim "bad idea,bad idea!!!"
The boys sat silent as I laid on the excelerator giving up on the plan. No one dared say a word, mom had LOST it. And then I just busted out laughing!!! After a quick glance at each other they all laughed too! I apologized to the boys for not being clear and rushing and most of all losing my temper over something so very silly. We all had a good laugh at my expense. To this day we still laugh about it. Jake was the worst at playfully mocking me by saying, "bad idea, bad idea" when I had other mom moments. We had a lot of fun together.
I am positive Jake was laughing at me and saying "bad idea, bad idea" a couple of weeks ago when I had an encounter with the Waste Management recycle guys. Another one of my "she's losing it moments."
Three weeks after Jake went home to heaven, the funeral home director called to let me know that his remains were ready. Two dear friends arrived to take me, and as we were backing out of the driveway, the Waste Management Recycle guys stopped right behind us trying to back out of the driveway. To my shock they very rudely threw my neighbors' recycle bin in front of the car on my driveway. I was appalled at their rudeness. My stress level was high, needless-to-say considering where we were going, in addition to the fact that we were running just a little bit behind schedule. Add to that some stressful phone calls I had just had to deal with. I decided this was too much and they needed to understand how rude they had been. So I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and proceeded to yell, no, more like scream, "I am on my way to pick up my son's ashes and that was just horribly rude!!!" And in case they didn't hear me, after grabbing my neighbors bin off of my driveway, I finished it off with, "He died! He's dead! And YOU ARE RUDE!!!" (Make sure you picture all of that keeping in mind that I'm dressed in nice dress slacks and heels while waving the neighbors' recycle bin wildly over my head)
I got back in the car, calmly put on my seat belt, and said, "Well I told them!" Then busted out laughing, along with my friends. Yes, one of my finer moments! I am so glad that I can laugh at myself!
PS: Waste Management received a phone call that day from my friend, Jennifer Morris, who was in the car with me. Oh to be a fly on the wall for that conversation...
Thursday, March 5, 2015
The Story
On Thursday, January 29, 2015 my oldest son, Jacob, died of bacterial meningitis. He had been a healthy kid previously with nothing but the occasional cold or ear infection. The type of bacteria that caused his meningitis was not the contagious form, neither was it as a result of any missing vaccines. He was up to date on his shot record in perfect health prior to becoming ill.
On Saturday the week before he died, Jake complained of an ear ache. He just wasn't feeling well and spent the morning watching TV and laying around on the couch. Sunday he still didn't feel great but was well enough for church and a trip with friends downtown to a museum. Monday morning he woke up and his ear felt better, but he was feeling sick to his stomach and vomited a couple times. I didn't think much of it as it was flu season and a bug had been going around. Most of Monday was spent sleeping with his head propped on the arm of the couch and sipping Sprite. Tuesday was much of the same and when, that afternoon he started to complain of a stiff neck, I was not surprised because of the way he had been sleeping. Late Tuesday night he complained of a bad headache, stiff-neck and the vomiting remained. We talked about going to the doctor in the morning if he didn't feel better by then. About midnight, Jake woke me up and said the pain was very bad and he didn't think he could wait. Ever the nurse, I had him take a shower and lay down with me to rub his back in an effort to avoid the midnight run to the ER. It didn't take long to realize that was unavoidable and I got up to take him. I quickly got dressed and instructed him to do likewise, ran upstairs to tell my 13 year old Zach where we were headed and called my mom to come over to stay with the boys. When I got back to Jake he had not gotten dressed and I asked him why. He seemed confused and didn't reply with much more than a mumble. I had to help him get dressed, which was my first inkling that something more serious was happening. Ithen sent him out to the car, while I grabbed a bag, but when I got outside he didn't seem to know how to get in the car.mi helped him into the car and headed the 5 minutes down the road to Kingwood Hospital.
By the time we arrived, he had deteriorated to the point of not being able to tell me who he was or where we were. He was also having a harder and harder time walking. He had an altered gait and was very unsteady on his feet. The triage nurse looked at us and I pleaded with her to please get us back as fast as possible. It was the first time that I allowed myself to speak what I feared this was, "please, I think it's meningitis and I waited too long." We had to wait less than 5 minutes and they had us back and in a stretcher as fast as they could possibly get us there. IVs were started, labs drawn and a CT scan all done in record time. They were all amazing. Jake had become combative and uncooperative so they requested to sedate and intubate him in order to do the lumbar puncture to confirm meningitis. Astonishingly the CT scan came back relatively clear, but the spinal tap confirmed meningitis. We had to wait a little more than an hour to confirm what type of meningitis, but it was clear that he needed a pediatric ICU and needed to be transferred downtown. So while we waited for the exact diagnoses, Texas Children's transport team was notified and began to make their way to pick up Jake.
Shortly before the transport team arrived, the preliminary results come back that it was strep pneumo bacterial meningitis. The nurses stated that it was good, because it was the non-contagious form. What I didn't know at the time was that it was very bad for Jake because it is an extremely invasive, pus-producing bacteria that multiples extremely fast.
We loaded the ambulance just before 6 am and headed to Texas Children's Hosptial PICU. When we arrived, about 40 minutes later, he wasn't looking good. They took him to his room and ushered me to the waiting room. About an hour later a doctor came out and gave us the horrible news that is wasn't looking good. He was in shock. His eyes were fixed and dilated . She was very concerned. She looked at me with the look I have given patients before when I had something awful to say and didn't want to say it and said, " I understand you are a nurse." "Yes," I replied weakly. "Do you understand what I am saying to you." And all I could do was nod. I knew.
Through it all, I want you to know, that I do see God's sovereign hand. I do not question my actions or ponder the what ifs. There was not a single thing that I could have done that would have changed the outcome. I do not blame God, because while He knew it would happen, He didn't cause it. That is one of the great mysteries that we will just not understand this side of heaven. Jake was healthy and full of life and the chances of this particular bacteria to make the leap from the nose to the ear and into the brain was as likely to happen to him as him being struck by lightening, but it did. I do not blame God. He never promised me a life without trouble, but He did promise to never leave me alone. God, who did not spare his own son, but gave him as an offering to cover my sin, understands better than anyone what it is to lose a son. I feel His love and peace constantly surrounding me and He is filling my treasure box with story after story of His grace, mercy and faithfulness, even in the midst of this awfulness.
On Saturday the week before he died, Jake complained of an ear ache. He just wasn't feeling well and spent the morning watching TV and laying around on the couch. Sunday he still didn't feel great but was well enough for church and a trip with friends downtown to a museum. Monday morning he woke up and his ear felt better, but he was feeling sick to his stomach and vomited a couple times. I didn't think much of it as it was flu season and a bug had been going around. Most of Monday was spent sleeping with his head propped on the arm of the couch and sipping Sprite. Tuesday was much of the same and when, that afternoon he started to complain of a stiff neck, I was not surprised because of the way he had been sleeping. Late Tuesday night he complained of a bad headache, stiff-neck and the vomiting remained. We talked about going to the doctor in the morning if he didn't feel better by then. About midnight, Jake woke me up and said the pain was very bad and he didn't think he could wait. Ever the nurse, I had him take a shower and lay down with me to rub his back in an effort to avoid the midnight run to the ER. It didn't take long to realize that was unavoidable and I got up to take him. I quickly got dressed and instructed him to do likewise, ran upstairs to tell my 13 year old Zach where we were headed and called my mom to come over to stay with the boys. When I got back to Jake he had not gotten dressed and I asked him why. He seemed confused and didn't reply with much more than a mumble. I had to help him get dressed, which was my first inkling that something more serious was happening. Ithen sent him out to the car, while I grabbed a bag, but when I got outside he didn't seem to know how to get in the car.mi helped him into the car and headed the 5 minutes down the road to Kingwood Hospital.
By the time we arrived, he had deteriorated to the point of not being able to tell me who he was or where we were. He was also having a harder and harder time walking. He had an altered gait and was very unsteady on his feet. The triage nurse looked at us and I pleaded with her to please get us back as fast as possible. It was the first time that I allowed myself to speak what I feared this was, "please, I think it's meningitis and I waited too long." We had to wait less than 5 minutes and they had us back and in a stretcher as fast as they could possibly get us there. IVs were started, labs drawn and a CT scan all done in record time. They were all amazing. Jake had become combative and uncooperative so they requested to sedate and intubate him in order to do the lumbar puncture to confirm meningitis. Astonishingly the CT scan came back relatively clear, but the spinal tap confirmed meningitis. We had to wait a little more than an hour to confirm what type of meningitis, but it was clear that he needed a pediatric ICU and needed to be transferred downtown. So while we waited for the exact diagnoses, Texas Children's transport team was notified and began to make their way to pick up Jake.
Shortly before the transport team arrived, the preliminary results come back that it was strep pneumo bacterial meningitis. The nurses stated that it was good, because it was the non-contagious form. What I didn't know at the time was that it was very bad for Jake because it is an extremely invasive, pus-producing bacteria that multiples extremely fast.
We loaded the ambulance just before 6 am and headed to Texas Children's Hosptial PICU. When we arrived, about 40 minutes later, he wasn't looking good. They took him to his room and ushered me to the waiting room. About an hour later a doctor came out and gave us the horrible news that is wasn't looking good. He was in shock. His eyes were fixed and dilated . She was very concerned. She looked at me with the look I have given patients before when I had something awful to say and didn't want to say it and said, " I understand you are a nurse." "Yes," I replied weakly. "Do you understand what I am saying to you." And all I could do was nod. I knew.
Through it all, I want you to know, that I do see God's sovereign hand. I do not question my actions or ponder the what ifs. There was not a single thing that I could have done that would have changed the outcome. I do not blame God, because while He knew it would happen, He didn't cause it. That is one of the great mysteries that we will just not understand this side of heaven. Jake was healthy and full of life and the chances of this particular bacteria to make the leap from the nose to the ear and into the brain was as likely to happen to him as him being struck by lightening, but it did. I do not blame God. He never promised me a life without trouble, but He did promise to never leave me alone. God, who did not spare his own son, but gave him as an offering to cover my sin, understands better than anyone what it is to lose a son. I feel His love and peace constantly surrounding me and He is filling my treasure box with story after story of His grace, mercy and faithfulness, even in the midst of this awfulness.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
The Throne of Grace
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)
I had no idea how I was going to make it out of that room for the last time. How was I going to be able to leave him. I remember holding his hand and laying my head on the side of his bed crying and praying, " How am I going to do this?" And saying things like, "I don't know how, but I know it's going to be okay," " I don't understand, but I trust you God" and "I will yet praise you!"
In that time of prayer God began to give me the vision of how I would leave that room. I was going to lay my head on Jacob's chest and listen for his last heartbeat then I would stand up, kiss him on the forehead and tell him, "I love you and I'll see you soon" and somehow I would make it out of that room whether on my own two feet or if someone had to carry me.
I had to practice leaving him late Wednesday night, when my friend Aaron insisted that I get some sleep. Walking over to the Ronald McDonald house was agony. Signing in that night and writing the date it struck me that I would never again write that date without pause. We so often know the date now of when our babies will be born, no one should ever have to endure knowing the date their baby will die.
I slept only 3 hours that night. When I returned to the room I began periodically listening to his heartbeat.
When the time finally came to remove all life support, I removed his NG tube and the nurse pulled the ET tube and I put my ear to his chest and listened. His diaphragm pulled a few times for air, but the effort was minimal. I listened as the minutes passed, his heart steady, but his time was near. I was able to sing a little bit. The song on my heart at that moment would later help me walk out of that room.
"The joy of The Lord will be my strength. I will not falter walking by faith. He will be strong to deliver me safe . The joy of The Lord is my strength."
My sweet boy held on for a little more than 15 minutes. You can feel when the spirit separates from the body. The heart begins to flutter and it reverberates through the whole body. I could feel his hesitation and I told him it was okay. "It's okay sweetheart. You can go. I'm going to be ok. Zach is going to be ok. Ben is going to be ok and Nate is going to be ok. It's okay to go sweet boy. I love you so much and I am so proud of you."
The fibrillation and separating of spirit and flesh took longer than I expected. Aaron spoke over Jake, "Into your hands, oh Lord, we commend your servant Jake." A few moments later his spirit left him as he gave his last exhale. His heart beat slowed tremendously , hardly perceivable at all, and I asked everyone to be still. And then it stopped. I stood up from my chair and kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him and that I would see him soon and then by the power of Christ I turned and walked out of that room, down the hall and out into the waiting room.
That time with Jake was the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. By far the most excruciating and beautiful at the same time. A few nights ago, God let me see that experience from His point of view. Another treasure for my treasure box. He allowed me to see, through the eyes of faith, as I approached The throne of Grace with Jacob in my arms gently placing him in the arms of Christ and then I turned and walk away...
I had no idea how I was going to make it out of that room for the last time. How was I going to be able to leave him. I remember holding his hand and laying my head on the side of his bed crying and praying, " How am I going to do this?" And saying things like, "I don't know how, but I know it's going to be okay," " I don't understand, but I trust you God" and "I will yet praise you!"
In that time of prayer God began to give me the vision of how I would leave that room. I was going to lay my head on Jacob's chest and listen for his last heartbeat then I would stand up, kiss him on the forehead and tell him, "I love you and I'll see you soon" and somehow I would make it out of that room whether on my own two feet or if someone had to carry me.
I had to practice leaving him late Wednesday night, when my friend Aaron insisted that I get some sleep. Walking over to the Ronald McDonald house was agony. Signing in that night and writing the date it struck me that I would never again write that date without pause. We so often know the date now of when our babies will be born, no one should ever have to endure knowing the date their baby will die.
I slept only 3 hours that night. When I returned to the room I began periodically listening to his heartbeat.
When the time finally came to remove all life support, I removed his NG tube and the nurse pulled the ET tube and I put my ear to his chest and listened. His diaphragm pulled a few times for air, but the effort was minimal. I listened as the minutes passed, his heart steady, but his time was near. I was able to sing a little bit. The song on my heart at that moment would later help me walk out of that room.
"The joy of The Lord will be my strength. I will not falter walking by faith. He will be strong to deliver me safe . The joy of The Lord is my strength."
My sweet boy held on for a little more than 15 minutes. You can feel when the spirit separates from the body. The heart begins to flutter and it reverberates through the whole body. I could feel his hesitation and I told him it was okay. "It's okay sweetheart. You can go. I'm going to be ok. Zach is going to be ok. Ben is going to be ok and Nate is going to be ok. It's okay to go sweet boy. I love you so much and I am so proud of you."
The fibrillation and separating of spirit and flesh took longer than I expected. Aaron spoke over Jake, "Into your hands, oh Lord, we commend your servant Jake." A few moments later his spirit left him as he gave his last exhale. His heart beat slowed tremendously , hardly perceivable at all, and I asked everyone to be still. And then it stopped. I stood up from my chair and kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him and that I would see him soon and then by the power of Christ I turned and walked out of that room, down the hall and out into the waiting room.
That time with Jake was the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. By far the most excruciating and beautiful at the same time. A few nights ago, God let me see that experience from His point of view. Another treasure for my treasure box. He allowed me to see, through the eyes of faith, as I approached The throne of Grace with Jacob in my arms gently placing him in the arms of Christ and then I turned and walk away...
His Great Love
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1John 3:1)
Late Wednesday night, Stephanie Ecoff, my dear sweet friend, asked if I would like to help her make molds of Jake's hands and just clean him up a bit. I really thought I would be able to, but when she brought in the molds and plaster, I lost it. A flood of memories came rushing back to me of all the sweet baby feet I had done over the years for parents that would never take their babies home and this was my baby.
Late Wednesday night, Stephanie Ecoff, my dear sweet friend, asked if I would like to help her make molds of Jake's hands and just clean him up a bit. I really thought I would be able to, but when she brought in the molds and plaster, I lost it. A flood of memories came rushing back to me of all the sweet baby feet I had done over the years for parents that would never take their babies home and this was my baby.
I can't remember who essentially carried me down the hall to the waiting room, but I collapsed when I got there, onto the floor and sobbed. I prayed, "Lord, you raised Lazarus from the dead after 3 days (it was actually 4). Rigor had set in, he had begun to rot and you restored him completely. You can do anything. And God if you intend to show off, now would be a good time"
4 days later (4 DAYS)! I was standing in the funeral . Most everyone had gone home and it was just my family and closest friends. Someone came into the room and said, "The Texas House of Representatives had a moment of silence for Jake today and flew a flag in his honor."
My literal response was, "what the hell?" I know....not very godly, but I knew in that moment that He was showing off. And just like a moment that I shared with a small truck full of people in Kenya a few years previous, when God blessed me with some lions, I felt the undeniable and overwhelming love of my Daddy-God...Show-off!
The treasure box
But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:19)
On January 29, 2015, my life was forever changed. My oldest son, Jake, went home to The Lord that day. I remember sitting in the ICU of Texas Children's Hospital numb and in shock, but also in awe of the handiwork of God. The presence of God, His Love and Peace was palpable that day and in the days and weeks to follow. So much of the scripture I had hidden in my heart over the years came and ministered to me. I remember thinking how like, Mary, I wanted to store up those memories like treasures for later. As I write this it has been just a little over a month without him. 34 days and 3 hours to be exact. I miss him every minute of every day. I can't imagine that ever ending, but writing down these little treasures of memories is helping me....
My hope is that through the blog I can store up as many of these moments as possible. Remembering Jake and seeing God through it all.
On January 29, 2015, my life was forever changed. My oldest son, Jake, went home to The Lord that day. I remember sitting in the ICU of Texas Children's Hospital numb and in shock, but also in awe of the handiwork of God. The presence of God, His Love and Peace was palpable that day and in the days and weeks to follow. So much of the scripture I had hidden in my heart over the years came and ministered to me. I remember thinking how like, Mary, I wanted to store up those memories like treasures for later. As I write this it has been just a little over a month without him. 34 days and 3 hours to be exact. I miss him every minute of every day. I can't imagine that ever ending, but writing down these little treasures of memories is helping me....
My hope is that through the blog I can store up as many of these moments as possible. Remembering Jake and seeing God through it all.
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