Stronger

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….

As a rule, I have come to despise clichés.  Mostly I have found that people say these things when they are at a loss of words as an attempt to fill the awkward silence.  Rarely…in fact, NEVER, have I found those words helpful or comforting.  A local Christian radio station here runs a campaign over the holidays using the words, “I choose joy.”  They use James 1:2 as their reference, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of various kind”, and although far from a cliché it began to grate on my nerves by the end of the season.  I think it was the sing-song attitude or perhaps because what was implied referred to the hectic stress of the holidays and seems so very trivial compared to all that I have been through. 

Besides the painfully obvious hardship of losing Jake, I really have had my fair share of hard experiences throughout my life.  A laundry list of things gone wrong, complications and loss.  I know I am not alone.  In fact tonight alone I have spoken with 3 friends going through their own “trails of various kind.”  One echoed sentiment I have thought numerous times, “I’m just so tired of everything being so hard! Couldn’t one thing just be easy?”  As a type another friend’s text asked, “Why does this have to be so hard?”   I don’t know… I too struggle to ease the awkwardness of the silence that follows those words… there is no easy reply and no words to bring relief.  In her case and mine the struggle is far from over.

I don’t know why but what I do know is that everything that has happened, all the wrong turns, complications and loss has made me who I am today.  And I like who I have become.  I am stronger than I was and I have many experiences to draw from to help other people facing their own struggles.  So the old cliché seems true and is authenticated by James when he says “Count it all joy…because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” 

 I remember thinking back when my kids were babies that all the little random complications that happened to me throughout my pregnancies, births and breastfeeding were going to help me be a better nurse and at very least they did provide me some good experience and stories to share when I taught Lamaze classes.  I joked with one of my friends tonight, well at least we will have some good stories to tell when we are old.  As much as I joke, I know that at least in part that is the answer to the why…

Several years ago one of my dearest and closest friends made a comment that cut me to my core.  Her words hurt me deeply and despite a swift and sincere apology, I feared our friendship would never have the depth it had before.  I was right.  Our friendship now has fathomably more depth than I could ever thought possible.  She and I weathered that storm only to emerge stronger and more resilient, which not only positioned us to endure the coming hurricanes life would hurl at us, but also stand as a reminder that pain does not kill.  I could have easily let the pain of her words end our friendship forever but instead that experience has given our friendship a depth that has provided for both of us an anchor to weather the storms. She is my most precious friend.  I could not at the time count that wound as joy, but I do recognize the perseverance and joy it has produced.

James finishes that thought off with a promise.  “Blessed is the one who persevered under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”

I have no idea why life seems to be so hard sometimes.  I don’t have any good answer to the troubles my friends are currently encountering.  I do know that even in the darkest moments of my life when I feel completely and totally broken I still have HOPE.  Sometimes it feels barely recognizable but it’s always there…

…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit… (Romans 5)

And cliché aside…stronger.

 

So long 2016!

Well 2016 has come and gone.  January has hit with full force, as the two-year anniversary quickly approaches.  New Year’s Eve was the most difficult again, remembering a great evening with friends, spicy- beyond -belief enchiladas, campfire and parties.  It should come as no surprise how quickly the year rolled by, every year does, but as I look back on 2016 I am relieved that it’s over!  2016 was year 2 missing Jake and it sucked.  2015 was by no means better, but the fog of grief, being surrounded by friends and having been able to take time to grieve gave us the opportunity to make some really wonderful memories together.  2015 was a year of firsts but also a whole year packed full with love, friendship, and trips of remembrance.  As 2015 came to an end we were hit with another personal storm, the first anniversary and the realization that life was forcing us to move on.

2016 was not light or easy.  There were no big vacations to break up the routine and the second year without him so much harder.   2016 began with facing the reality of his death and followed quickly with, draining our savings account with lawyer and court cost to deal with the “storm”, drastic change in the rhythm and flow of weekends and schedules, and an injury leaving Zach with concussion headaches that have carried over to 2017.   Not to mention a job change, loss of friendships, starting and quitting Grad school in the same week, and yet another storm- forever changing the weekend schedule.  Thank God for dinner invitations, backyard gatherings, timely phone calls, and church beach retreats that gave sweet respite and relief throughout the year!!!!!  But seriously, SO LONG 2016!

I started this year with the listing of goals and writing out my life’s anthem, hoping that would put a fresh start to 2017.  It’s difficult to start a new year with the anniversary of Jake’s death, but as I sit and reflect on that more and more it feels right and appropriate. Genesis tells us that in the beginning darkness covered the earth and then there was light.  There was evening and then there was morning.  The cold, dark days of winter give way to spring.  So then beginning our year remembering his death is not only just part of our reality, but also a natural order to things.   There is not a day goes by that I don’t think about Jake or miss him, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  To not think about him would be forgetting and that is just not acceptable.  Beginning 2017 with his remembrance is good…hard, but good. 

I have no idea what 2017 will throw our way.  I really hope it includes a vacation or two!!! No matter what I know that we will be okay, spring is coming…

I’ll end with what I have decided to call my life’s anthem.   The words that despite my circumstances at any given moment might guide my thought as I navigate this life missing Jake…

My soul glorifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour. I delight greatly in the Lord and my soul rejoices in my God, for He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness; a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.