It's Easter...Resurrection Sunday. The day on which the Christian faith hinges. "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here!" The tomb is empty. The grave clothes are folded and neatly left behind. He was dead, but not any more! HE. IS. ALIVE.
The One who was without sin, took the sin of EVERY man upon himself. He died a criminals death. Taking the sentence of death for you and for me, He was remanded to Hell, in our place. BUT death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him and Hell did not have the last word!! Christ has risen from the dead! Because He lives, everything has changed! Death has been overcome. The curse of sin no longer holds our destiny. The blood of He who has no sin has paid our debt forever! And because He lives I can face tomorrow!
Because He lives, I know exactly where Jake is...Alive! He's not gone forever. He is not in purgatory or sentenced to Hell. He is not ashes in an urn sitting on my piano. Because Christ lives and because Jake trusted in Him and in His promises, Jake also lives! And that is the sole reason I am still breathing. Without that blessed assurance, I have no idea how I would have continued.
Easter has always been meaningful and the Sunday I look forward to most. Peeps and chocolate bunnies aside, even from a young age I looked forward to loudly proclaiming, "He has Risen!! He has risen indeed! Hallelujah!" every Easter morning at church. Trumpet fanfare and singing "Jesus Christ has risen today", "Crown Him with many Crowns", I loved to think about what it will be like to worship the Risen King together around his throne one day. Honestly that has always been my favorite thing to talk about, study and sing about!
I'm having a very hard time this Easter. I'm not sure I can fully put into words why that is. I'm not mad at God, my faith if anything has been made stronger, but my heart hurts and although I'm am not without hope, I am just so very sad. I am stuck in this gap between Heaven and Earth, one foot in each place, not really able to be completely present in either. There is a line from the Apostles Creed that reads, "I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come." That pretty much covers it for me. I'm trying so very hard to be present here and now, to live and enjoy this life, but my heart longs to be in Heaven. I'm balance in this place wondering how long can I possible sustain this and asking, "Ok God... Everything has been turned upside down, so now what!?!"
I can't help but think of the disciples, having just witnessed Jesus' ascension into Heaven, standing there looking up at the clouds and wondering, well now what! I wonder how many times they, like me, just wanted to be done and be with their Savior. Heart-broken and uncertain. I wonder if they, like me, felt the future just a little daunting.
I think also about the children of Isreal, having come through their first Passover in the wilderness. No doubt the events of the previous year fresh in their mind, but facing an uncertain future following the cloud and pillar of fire through the desert. I thought a lot about them this week, this being my second Easter without Jake. It's different this year than last year. Last year was still so very raw and his death so fresh in my mind. I found myself, last year, focusing on His death. This year I'm struggling with the gap of time, between now and when I can see Jake again. I have no idea how long that will be but with grandparents having lived well into their 90's, it will likely be awhile. I feel a bit like those wanderers only 1 year into their 40 year trek. I have to say I am now much more understanding of their grumbling. I can understand why they might have looked back to the comforts of Egypt. As I was thinking about this weekend and trying to make our plans for Easter, I too wished I could go back. I miss my church. I miss singing and worshiping with my friends. Having 4 baskets to plan for...Going back to the past is not an option, but it sure would be nice to have that comfort of "home" again. I can't remember at what point they realized it, but Moses and the adults who left Egypt never made it to the Promised Land. They left the comforts of Egypt to follow God and did not see their final destination here on Earth, their Promise Land awaited them in Heaven. I feel like that is my future. I am ever aware of God's presence and provision, but it will never be complete this side of Heaven.
I have struggled a lot this week. Just getting the baskets out was difficult. Missing him never gets easier and putting his basket next to his urn on the piano was just weird, but something I felt compelled to do. Nothing is right. Everything feels temporary and turned upside down. I couldn't even decide what we should do to recognize Easter this year, nothing felt right.
I am so thankful for friends and family, especially for Ray. In the midst of indecision and tears this morning, he was able to help me find my anchor once again. He likened my journey to a ship in the middle of the ocean. "Going in circles, you will get no where," he said. I know he's right. Like the children wandering in the desert, it's easy to lose a sense of direction if you are constantly looking back from where you've come from. In a sense you will just ended up going in circles. Thankfully for them they had God's physical presence to guide them onward. I am thankful that just like he so often does, God spoke to me through Ray today to compel me forward. So instead of spending the day longing for the past, I began the process of setting some new traditions. We made lunch and had friends over, broke confetti eggs on each other and emptied several cans of silly string. And even though next year is sure to look completely different, we have set down small traditions to carry us into our future.
Hebrews 11 has the words "Hall of Faith" penciled into the margins of my Bible. It's a listing of those men and women throughout Bible history that stepped out in faith to follow God, blindly trusting in Him and his promises. The children of Isreal are included in that listing along with many others. Verse 39 says this, "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them recieved what had been promised." So I am not alone, no doubt many of those listed in God's Hall of Faith have had their own "so now what" moments. Thankfully, like the cloud and pillar of fire in the desert, God gives a clear answer to that question. Hebrews 12:1 say, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."
I have no idea what the future holds or how long I will be here balanced between here and Heaven. I feel certain that my life between now and then will be filled with many more bittersweet moments and missing Jake. My race is not over, God has more for me to do and I'm sure there will be no lack of "so now what?" moments filling that time. But I also know that God will lead me every step of the way and for that I am thankful.
Happy Easter! HE HAS RISEN!
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Miracles from Heaven
There is a new movie out called Miracles From Heaven. It looks like a great movie and the real-life story behind the movie is an amazing testimony, but I don't want to see it. It's a story of an impossible healing, a life saved and answered prayers. I can barely make it through hearing the commercials on the radio without crying and becoming just a little bit mad. I don't want to be mad or angry, but hearing about someone else's child that was healed and is still alive, hurts. Deep down even though I am beginning to accept this reality, I would still have given anything to see a miraculous healing in our story. It makes me wonder things like: Why her and not Jake? Why did that mom get her prayers answered? Was my faith some how found lacking and her's not? Of course I know that is not the case. Her story is not my story and mine is not hers. Her daughter was healed and got to stay with her family a little longer and Jake...
The problem I have with healing testimonies is that for as many of those amazing stories there are many more stories of loss and unanswered prayers. I have witnessed healing, I've seen it first hand. I believe that God is still in the business of miracles, big ones! The kind movies are made about and even some no one would dare to believe, including testimonies of people being raised from the dead. Unfortunately God gives no explanation to us about why some and not others. He is God and I don't really expect an explanation, but I have to admit it would be nice. A quick Google search of "why God heals some, but not others?" gives several explainations: failure to ask, lack of faith, unconfessed sin, a higher purpose, God's glory and God's timing. As a mom whose prayers were not answered the way I wanted, those explainations suck!! I asked! My boys asked! My family and friends asked!! Random strangers from around the country and globe asked!! My faith was unwavering! And frankly though I am far, far from perfect I do not believe for one second it was a result of any unconfessed sin on either my or Jake's part that blocked his healing. The truth of the matter is that it was God's sovereignty. It was clear to me from the very beginning. In fact I remember when everyone was arriving at the hospital, that I was nervous that my dear friend Vicky might be upset with me for accepting so quickly that Jake was going to die. She has been blessed to witness some of those "big" healings that I mentioned before. In fact her own son was miraculously healed through prayer. I was relieved when Vicky also sensed God's sovereignty at work and as I mentioned in other posts, both Vicky and I believe that Jake was given the choice and it was Jake's choice to stay with his Savior. It certainly doesn't answer all my questions and it doesn't make me want to go sit through that movie, but it does shift my thoughts.
Sometimes miracles from heaven are spectacular to view from this side of eternity. A horrific fall and blow to the head results in miraculously healing. A child in chronic pain, unable to eat is suddenly healed. Cancer once deemed terminal, now gone! Other times miracles from heaven are less ostentatious in the here and now. Sometimes we have to look hard for the miracle. I'm positive that if you asked Jake, he would tell you he has gotten his miracle!! He was completely and totally miraculously healed. Restored the moment he passed from this life into the next. My youngest son, Nate, wrote in a note I found a few weeks after Jake died, that Jake WAS the miracle that we prayed for. And for me I have seen miracle after miracle since Jake left...none of them the one I prayer for specifically, but miracles from Heaven none the less.
A dear, sweet woman I met last summer, lost her first baby after she was born extremely premature. Adija and I became almost instant friends, understanding each other's pain and grief in a way few others can. I was her nurse and saw her weekly through her second pregnancy and celebrated with her the milestones of reaching viability and then reaching term and I rejoiced with her as she prepared blankets and clothes for his arrival. I don't have that type of bond with every patient, but this was different, it was deeper because of our mutual loss. I had planned to go visit her and the baby after they came back home, but before I had the chance her sweet baby passed away in her arms only a few weeks after coming home from the hospital. I was devastated to hear about her loss and angry that she was once again robbed of her miracle. As I was preparing to write this post, I contacted her to ask permission to share her story and she reiterated what Nate had said and echoed that Baby Jack was her miracle. And while I believe that both Jake and Jack along with all children are miracles, in this case, I believe, Adija is the miracle. She carries a burden few others can imagine every day. She and I, along with all the other moms who live with hearts here and in Heaven are miraculously still alive, functioning with missing pieces that threatened to undue us. I consider it a miracle that I am here and able to write coherent sentences. I am astounded daily at the mircalous ability God has given us to continue in spite of horrific loss and I am profoundly thankful for Adija and the other miracle moms that God has placed in my life. Miracles from Heaven are all around us every day. Sometimes they are huge and screenplay worthy and other times they look ordinary like a mom, who no one would blame if she stayed in bed for a year, but everyday instead is still choosing faith and life.
The problem I have with healing testimonies is that for as many of those amazing stories there are many more stories of loss and unanswered prayers. I have witnessed healing, I've seen it first hand. I believe that God is still in the business of miracles, big ones! The kind movies are made about and even some no one would dare to believe, including testimonies of people being raised from the dead. Unfortunately God gives no explanation to us about why some and not others. He is God and I don't really expect an explanation, but I have to admit it would be nice. A quick Google search of "why God heals some, but not others?" gives several explainations: failure to ask, lack of faith, unconfessed sin, a higher purpose, God's glory and God's timing. As a mom whose prayers were not answered the way I wanted, those explainations suck!! I asked! My boys asked! My family and friends asked!! Random strangers from around the country and globe asked!! My faith was unwavering! And frankly though I am far, far from perfect I do not believe for one second it was a result of any unconfessed sin on either my or Jake's part that blocked his healing. The truth of the matter is that it was God's sovereignty. It was clear to me from the very beginning. In fact I remember when everyone was arriving at the hospital, that I was nervous that my dear friend Vicky might be upset with me for accepting so quickly that Jake was going to die. She has been blessed to witness some of those "big" healings that I mentioned before. In fact her own son was miraculously healed through prayer. I was relieved when Vicky also sensed God's sovereignty at work and as I mentioned in other posts, both Vicky and I believe that Jake was given the choice and it was Jake's choice to stay with his Savior. It certainly doesn't answer all my questions and it doesn't make me want to go sit through that movie, but it does shift my thoughts.
Sometimes miracles from heaven are spectacular to view from this side of eternity. A horrific fall and blow to the head results in miraculously healing. A child in chronic pain, unable to eat is suddenly healed. Cancer once deemed terminal, now gone! Other times miracles from heaven are less ostentatious in the here and now. Sometimes we have to look hard for the miracle. I'm positive that if you asked Jake, he would tell you he has gotten his miracle!! He was completely and totally miraculously healed. Restored the moment he passed from this life into the next. My youngest son, Nate, wrote in a note I found a few weeks after Jake died, that Jake WAS the miracle that we prayed for. And for me I have seen miracle after miracle since Jake left...none of them the one I prayer for specifically, but miracles from Heaven none the less.
A dear, sweet woman I met last summer, lost her first baby after she was born extremely premature. Adija and I became almost instant friends, understanding each other's pain and grief in a way few others can. I was her nurse and saw her weekly through her second pregnancy and celebrated with her the milestones of reaching viability and then reaching term and I rejoiced with her as she prepared blankets and clothes for his arrival. I don't have that type of bond with every patient, but this was different, it was deeper because of our mutual loss. I had planned to go visit her and the baby after they came back home, but before I had the chance her sweet baby passed away in her arms only a few weeks after coming home from the hospital. I was devastated to hear about her loss and angry that she was once again robbed of her miracle. As I was preparing to write this post, I contacted her to ask permission to share her story and she reiterated what Nate had said and echoed that Baby Jack was her miracle. And while I believe that both Jake and Jack along with all children are miracles, in this case, I believe, Adija is the miracle. She carries a burden few others can imagine every day. She and I, along with all the other moms who live with hearts here and in Heaven are miraculously still alive, functioning with missing pieces that threatened to undue us. I consider it a miracle that I am here and able to write coherent sentences. I am astounded daily at the mircalous ability God has given us to continue in spite of horrific loss and I am profoundly thankful for Adija and the other miracle moms that God has placed in my life. Miracles from Heaven are all around us every day. Sometimes they are huge and screenplay worthy and other times they look ordinary like a mom, who no one would blame if she stayed in bed for a year, but everyday instead is still choosing faith and life.
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