I'm Okay, Just Busy...

I haven't been able to write in a while. Not just for the blog, but even in my personal journal. I have been super busy. Busy with the new job, busy with the boys schedule, just busy!  Several people told me early on after Jake died that I needed to stay busy. Actually they didn't tell me that directly, but that was a prevailing theme in reading between lines and comments made to those close to me. "She just needs to get back to work, that will really help."  And to some degree it has. The busy doesn't leave time in the day to sit and cry and the busy mixed with grief makes me drop into bed every night exhausted...hence not much time for writing.

People are uncomfortable with grief. There is no immediate fix so they don't know what to say.  Getting back to work and keeping busy is comfortable because then you have "normal" things to talk about. That way when someone asks, "How's everything going?" you can give the "normal" response of, "oh, it's okay, just busy!"

What becomes challenging with that is that nothing is quite normal and glossing over the huge gaping hole of grief doesn't make it go away. It's doubly hard when you get busy. There is this tension between needing to participate in life and also leaving time to heal. 

Disclaimer for those of you who are squeamish about medical type things, I am a nurse and we talk about disgusting things over lunch, so forgive me.  The weekend before Jake died, I went alone on a hike at one of the state parks near our house. I had a very peaceful walk and spent time journaling and talking to God. I actually wrote a poem that day which I had no way of knowing would foreshadow the events about to unfold in my life. Somewhere along that walk I got a small splinter in my foot.  That splinter bothered me for a couple months before I realized it was not a splinter but a planter wart. By the time I made the realization, I was without health insurance and decided to just use over the counter methods to treat it on my own. By October it was causing quite a bit of pain and I decided I should probably just get it taken care of, so I made the appointment and went in. Because I had let it go so long, the root was deep and the hole made to remove it was quite deep. Being the self-treating nurse that I am, I carefully took care of my foot and the hole to make sure I kept it clean. It healed nicely, from my observation, but at about a month, the pain was still there and I worried that perhaps the wart was coming back. The pain was so bad I was having a hard time taking my shoe on and off, so once again, instead of heading straight to the doctor, began the process of self-diagnosis. The hole had scabbed over and looked to me like healthy skin, but it was tender to touch and slightly swollen. I soaked my foot in hot water, probed a little deeper and found that under a thin film of new skin, was infection. I'll spare you the details, but after another week of careful tending and a follow-up doctor appointment, my foot is much better.  Although the outside of my foot looked healed the inside was still doing it's healing work and needed a hole still present to release the excess fluid cells produce when they are in the healing mode.

Being busy is good. And God has blessed me with people who have allowed me to be a mess of grief in their presence. I still need to be a mess every once in a while.  I'm still doing the healing work of grief and that looks messy sometimes. As the calendar turned to November I felt like I was seeing a train wreak coming from a distance. Having Thanksgiving, Christmas and the one year anniversary all so close together is very overwhelming! Also my life is not pretty.  It's not always easy to filter out conflicts with my ex-husband and his family or the hurts from having my old church family no longer welcomes me. I find it challenging to write, knowing things may be painful to hear, but in order to do this healing work I need to release those things occasionally. I hope in doing so every so often, it may help me in my healing, but also help others who may have messy issues mixed with grief in their own lives. So going forward, please forgive me if there are times when it's hard to read or feels uncomfortable, I really don't intend to hurt anyone. 

I'll end this post with the poem God inspired me to write the Sunday before Jake left...

Stillness fills my soul
Sounds of creation break my solitude,
if only for a moment, reminders
I am not alone

Sunshine surrounds me like a comfy blanket,
warming my spirit
Though death and decay leave behind
their undeniable mark, life abounds

And the promise of Spring

(1/25/15)