It's Different

This past weekend we were invited over to our close family friend’s house to decorate Christmas cookies and gingerbread houses. It's one of their traditions and last year Jake and Zach spent that day with them, so this year they invited me and the three boys to join them.  Nate was invited over to his friend’s house to hang out, play basketball and go to a movie. I can't imagine any 11 year old boy who wouldn't have chosen the same when faced with the option of decorating over basketball and a movie, so we were minus one...well minus two.

Our gingerbread houses were the pre-baked, assemble yourself kind. All except for Zach, who claimed the pre-assembled house and started decorating. The rest of us began the arduous process of getting the house assembled with nothing but frosting. I had been looking at Pinterest for days coming up with a plan and used three kits to make a mansion of a gingerbread house. It took about 45 mins for us to abandon the self-assembled house for the kids. They had them about a quarter to half decorated and one by one they all fell. My mansion was coming together well, so a paused in my decorating and ran to the grocery store for three more pre-assembled houses for the kids and a few more items for the mansion.

Another hour of work and all the houses looked fantastic. The winners determined, we began photographing our work. One by one we lined them up with the creator proudly standing behind their masterpiece. Then as a final photo we lined them all up for a group shot. My girlfriend's husband was called in from outside light-decorating to snap the group shot and as we were waiting for him, I noticed the center section of the mansion roof slowly sagging and beginning to cave it. We frantically posed for the picture, trying to capture the moment before it fell. The final moments of the mansions demise capture forever in our picture with "please hurry" smiles plastered to our faces.  It was truly a priceless moment, which my girlfriend joked would become a blog piece for sure!!

Yep...didn't snap the picture quite fast enough

 

Nothing has worked out quite right this year, despite our efforts to make things as normal as possible. Even making those gingerbread houses was bittersweet and terribly hard. Zach and Morgan, my friend’s oldest daughter, had a rough time. I think we were all going through the motions. If not for the awesome comic relief of toppling roofs, I think we would have had a much different feeling leaving that day. Thank God for falling roofs and laughter. 

Pie is usually my major contribution for Thanksgiving. Jake used to say my apple pie was like heaven on a plate. It was hard making it this year, but NOT making it would have been even harder. I had to work a full day on Wednesday, when I normally would have made pie, so I started the process that night and figure I would finish in the morning and have it ready fresh out of the oven the next afternoon. Because the apples were going to sit in the refrigerator overnight, I used a squeeze of lemon on them to help prevent browning. I must have over done it or something else went horribly wrong because the pie was terrible this year!!  It was embarrassing how bad it tasted.  Not heaven on a plate by any stretch of imagination!

Thanksgiving in general was difficult. It was the boys’ year to be with their dad, which meant I was most likely going to be alone. As it turned out, Ray (my boyfriend of now a year and a half) was able to spend most of the day with me and Zach wanted to stay home.  Thanksgiving morning there was a 5K Turkey Trot in our community hosted by another family who has recently lost their youngest to cancer. Jake and their daughter had been in church and school together since about kindergarten and Ben is friends with many of the kids who started the organization hosting the event.  Honestly the thought of our first Thanksgiving without Jake was very overwhelming and the thought of spending the morning with another family who understood that sounded oddly comforting.  I underestimated, however the impact of it being so many people from the old church and when we arrived that morning I felt very out of place and uncomfortable. To add insult to injury, Zach, Ray and I had a very tense encounter with one of the leaders from the old church. He came over and hugged the friend I was standing with, looked with distain at Zach, Ray and I and then turned and walked away without saying a word. I think my friend was embarrassed by his behavior and I was hurt to say the least. The morning wasn't quite what I had hoped but we finished the race running and it was nice to see and hug another mom who really does understand. 

Our house is decorated. The tree is up. Christmas has begun, but nothing is quite right. None of it. The boys and I decided to get away for Christmas this year. I had been a little worried that maybe we should stay here and do our normal things, but as time goes on, I'm so glad we decided to change things up. We need it to be different because it IS different. Nothing is quite right and it never will be again and denying that and pushing through can only carry us so far. 

The countdown has begun to the one year anniversary. I felt it right away in November, but the boys are feeling it now to. They don't verbalized it, but they are not making it though the school days well again and we are back to sleepless nights once more.   Unfortunately our last memories of Jake are of doing Christmas and New Year’s things. It's as if every activity has a "this time last year" attached to it. This time last year everything was still okay. He was here decorating gingerbread houses and hanging out with friends. Making THE hottest enchilada sauce I have ever tasted and getting ready to get his drivers permit. This time last year... it's the last time we will be able to say that. From here on out our memories and photos move on without him. He forever 15, when Ben and Nate were still shorter than me with round, baby faces. The countdown has begun and yet in the midst of that we are still able to enjoy new memories and laugh and for that I am thankful!  Christmas is very different but it's still Christmas.
I'm praying for snow on our vacation, enough to be able to go sledding and maybe build a snowman. The boys have never seen anything more than Texas snow and that hardly counts.  I'm looking forward to our different Christmas and thankful we are able to get away. I'm thankful for friends who invite us into their traditions and cards and encouraging comments, they really do help and mean a lot. I'm thankful for all the prayers...we still need them. In fact if you feel so lead please pray for the boys, for their teachers to be understanding, for clear thought and super natural wisdom during finals. Pray for safe travel, for moments of laughter and joy in the weeks to come, and for snow. 

My mansion before it's untimely demise