There are no words to describe the most horrible ache of missing your child. 11 months have passed like a breath. The boys and I have done so much this year. I think I have been trying to live for Jake in every outing, trip and gathering. I want so much for him to be able to experience this all with us. My mind refuses to accept the reality of death, instead I see him, as I believe he is, ALIVE. So very much alive, but just barely out of reach and just out of sight. Like he is waiting off stage for his next scene.
So, I sit on the floor in the kitchen, once again overcome with the most horrific ache that I fear will never fully leave until I see him again. I don't want to keep breathing and yet I continue to draw breathe. Everything feels so fucking hard and nothing, at least at this moment, feels easy. I want so badly for the pain to end, but at the same time I couldn't bear to not feel this because that might mean I've forgotten. I wish someone could take it for just a few minutes, but it's mine alone to bear. I would not wish this on anyone.
I feel naked and cut open, it might as well have been just 3 hours ago that he left instead it's 11 months, 3 hours and about 30 mins. O God I miss him!
Not everyday is like this. This morning I started off the day like it was any other day, but it's not...
I don't know what to say except Jake is everywhere Bc of the young man you raised and who he was and the love you gave him. Within a week or so I heard Julie and Gracie talking about Jake and memories and there was laughter in the tears. And it was good. Bc of you and the son you raised who was taught others (teens in fact) to laugh through and at their own imperfections. Because Jake had had the love to do the same. And that message lives! I know it's not much but please know his short time here had a strong affect on those left in this world and those who know Jake is always with them (and laughing at them, or so I heard). Huge hugs!!
ReplyDeleteAmy: I just don't know what to say.....Jake made ALL the KHS drama kids laugh and enjoy their LONG rehearsals ; he ALWAYS made the kids feel like family---he IS so missed!
ReplyDeleteAmy, Even though you can't see Jake, even though you can't touch him, he is walking beside you, arm around your shoulder to protect and bring you comfort. Believe he is a guardian angel to you and his brothers. God Bless.
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