A Year of Storms

2015 has come and gone. Last year on New Year’s Eve, Jake had friends over for dinner, he cooked. Not wanting to wait for my help, he attempted to recreate chic-a-chic-a boom-boom sauce from our favorite restaurant. He boiled the peppers and put them into the blender, just like he had seen me do before, but neglected to seed the peppers first. In addition he added a couple extra Serrano peppers for good measure. The result was a sauce so hot it was practically not eatable. He and I spent about an hour adding cream cheese and whatever else I could think of to cut the spiciness so we could eat the enchiladas he had planned for our meal.  We laughed and had a great night with his friends before they left for another friend’s party. He rang in 2015 surrounded by friends new and old. Ray, me and the rest of my boys were at my house with a campfire, music and blowing up gingerbread houses with black cat firecrackers. It's really one of my last vivid memories of him, which made this New Year’s Eve so very painful. I could not have anticipated how hard the stroke of midnight would be for me this year. As much as you would think I would be ready for 2015 to be over I was not!  2015 will forever be the last of my memories which include Jake living life with us. The last of a year of "this time last year" with his name still attached to the memory. Midnight came with tears and stifled sobs as I reluctantly acknowledged the passing of the year.

I'm reminded of the Bible verse from Romans 8: For we know that in all things God for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purposes.  I was thinking a lot about this verse the other day as I was being battered by yet another storm that has recently hit our family. I know beyond any doubt that good will come from our current storm, just as it has from the one that took Jake, but sometimes in the midst of it that is not always easy to see. I thought of Joseph, rejected by his brothers, beaten and thrown into a cistern, brought out only to be sold into slavery and forced to travel on foot through the desert to Egypt. Once he was there things looked promising briefly until he caught the eye of his master’s wife and was falsely accused of having a relationship with her and promptly thrown back into a dark pit, this time a prison. Storm after storm Joseph endured his predicament. I have felt that way this year. It felt like just one thing after another would hit and I get knocked down all over again. And when it wasn't me enduring another storm it was my loved ones. It would be easy to fall into despair. I am tired and worn. The words of the Tenth Avenue North song feel fitting more often than I care to admit..."my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing."

Lamentations 3:21-23 says, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lords great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness". And so at the cusp of despair, I am continually brought back by the reminders of all the good I have seen even in this past year.  As I reflect back on the year I am grateful for so many things. I have managed to not only to continue to draw breathe but to really live.  God was so very faithful even beginning in the hospital to show me moments of good and his abundant love, peace and faithfulness in everything.

In this year, we traveled more than we have in our entire lives taking 2 family trips and 1 school trip to DC, Zach had the honor of laying a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier, we went indoor skydiving, to the Houston Rodeo, saw a couple plays, made a couple trips to Galveston. Ray and I made it through what could possibly be the hardest test of any relationship, not without some bumps along the way, but we made it.  I am beyond blessed to have such a truly amazing, supportive and thoughtful man in my life! I prayed for God's best for me and I truly see that answered in Ray. My family and friends have been such a blessing! I can honestly say I have some amazing friends, without whom I would not have made it through. 

It's not been an easy process, it's not likely to get any easier any time soon.  The line of storms seem to be continuing into 2016. It's not been a great start to the year to be honest, but I know God has it under control. His faithfulness endures to all generations and I don't even have to look long to know that to be true.