Miracles from Heaven

There is a new movie out called Miracles From Heaven. It looks like a great movie and the real-life story behind the movie is an amazing testimony, but I don't want to see it. It's a story of an impossible healing, a life saved and answered prayers. I can barely make it through hearing the commercials on the radio without crying and becoming just a little bit mad. I don't want to be mad or angry, but hearing about someone else's child that was healed and is still alive, hurts. Deep down even though I am beginning to accept this reality, I would still have given anything to see a miraculous healing in our story. It makes me wonder things like:  Why her and not Jake?  Why did that mom get her prayers answered? Was my faith some how found lacking and her's not?  Of course I know that is not the case. Her story is not my story and mine is not hers.  Her daughter was healed and got to stay with her family a little longer and Jake...

The problem I have with healing testimonies is that for as many of those amazing stories there are many more stories of loss and unanswered prayers. I have witnessed healing, I've seen it first hand. I believe that God is still in the business of miracles, big ones! The kind movies are made about and even some no one would dare to believe, including testimonies of people being raised from the dead. Unfortunately God gives no explanation to us about why some and not others. He is God and I don't really expect an explanation, but I have to admit it would be nice. A quick Google search of "why God heals some, but not others?" gives several explainations:  failure to ask, lack of faith, unconfessed sin, a higher purpose, God's glory and God's timing.  As a mom whose prayers were not answered the way I wanted, those explainations suck!! I asked! My boys asked! My family and friends asked!! Random strangers from around the country and globe asked!! My faith was unwavering! And frankly though I am far, far from perfect I do not believe for one second it was a result of any unconfessed sin on either my or Jake's part that blocked his healing. The truth of the matter is that it was God's sovereignty.  It was clear to me from the very beginning. In fact I remember when everyone was arriving at the hospital, that I was nervous that my dear friend Vicky might be upset with me for accepting so quickly that Jake was going to die. She has been blessed to witness some of those "big" healings that I mentioned before. In fact her own son was miraculously healed through prayer. I was relieved when Vicky also sensed God's sovereignty at work and as I mentioned in other posts, both Vicky and I believe that Jake was given the choice and it was Jake's choice to stay with his Savior.  It certainly doesn't answer all my questions and it doesn't make me want to go sit through that movie, but it does shift my thoughts.

Sometimes miracles from heaven are spectacular to view from this side of eternity. A horrific fall and blow to the head results in miraculously healing. A child in chronic pain, unable to eat is suddenly healed. Cancer once deemed terminal, now gone! Other times miracles from heaven are less  ostentatious in the here and now. Sometimes we have to look hard for the miracle. I'm positive that if you asked Jake, he would tell you he has gotten his miracle!! He was completely and totally miraculously healed. Restored the moment he passed from this life into the next. My youngest son, Nate, wrote in a note I found a few weeks after Jake died, that Jake WAS the miracle that we prayed for. And for me I have seen miracle after miracle since Jake left...none of them the one I prayer for specifically, but miracles from Heaven none the less.

  A dear, sweet woman I met last summer,  lost her first baby after she was born extremely premature. Adija and I became almost instant friends, understanding each other's pain and grief in a way few others can. I was her nurse and saw her weekly through her second pregnancy and celebrated with her the milestones of reaching viability and then reaching term and I rejoiced with her as she prepared blankets and clothes for his arrival. I don't have that type of bond with every patient, but this was different, it was deeper because of our mutual loss. I had planned to go visit her and the baby after they came back home, but before I had the chance her sweet baby passed away in her arms only a few weeks after coming home from the hospital. I was devastated to hear about her loss and angry that she was once again robbed of her miracle.  As I was preparing to write this post, I contacted her to ask permission to share her story and she reiterated what Nate had said and echoed that Baby Jack was her miracle. And while I believe that both Jake and Jack along with all children are miracles, in this case, I believe,  Adija is the miracle. She carries a burden few others can imagine every day. She and I, along with all the other moms who live with hearts here and in Heaven are miraculously still alive, functioning with missing pieces that threatened to undue us. I consider it a miracle that I am here and able to write coherent sentences. I am astounded daily at the mircalous ability God has given us to continue in spite of horrific loss and I am profoundly thankful for Adija and the other miracle moms that God has placed in my life. Miracles from Heaven are all around us every day. Sometimes they are huge and screenplay worthy and other times they look ordinary like a mom, who no one would blame if she stayed in bed for a year, but everyday instead is still choosing faith and life.

Dear Recipient

One year ago your life was changed when my son saved yours.  One year ago, anxiously awaiting a phone call, you didn't know if you would live to see your next Christmas. On what was the longest and hardest day of my life, your phone rang.  No doubt your minded swirled with a mix of emotions. The joy of long awaited, answered prayers coming to fruition, mixed with the knowledge of what that meant for someone else's family. That family was mine. 

There are actually 3 of you...Jake saved 3 lives.  At 15 years old that was never something we even talked about and everything happened so very fast he had no way to give me any input, but I know my kid and had he been able to, he would have freely chosen it.  He was the type of person who was nice to everyone, he had a sweet, genuine, kind, warm spirit. He was that person who noticed someone sitting alone and went and invited them over to sit with him. He wanted to make sure everyone felt included and went out of his way to be a good friend.  If I had let him, I think we would have sheltered every stray animal in the area, he was even hit by a car once while rescuing our neighbors’ dog. Given the choice, I have no doubt, he would have chosen to help you. 

He didn't get that choice, by the time we realized how sick he actually was he was already incoherent. He woke me up around midnight with a horrendous headache and less than an hour later he could not tell me his name. By the time the transport team came to take us downtown to the pediatric ICU it was almost over. He went into shock on the ride down and by the time they got him settled, CT confirmed his brain had herniated. That was Wednesday morning.  It would take a couple more hours to confirm that he was in fact brain dead, but I knew.  In my heart I know that God gave Jake a choice to stay with Him or to return and I believe with all my heart that it was Jake's choice to stay with his Savior. Maybe you were on his mind when he made that choice. 

I'm a nurse, so it was by instinct that I asked about organ donation. You see nurses have a crisis mode when emergencies arise. We have check lists to help us stay focused so that we can remain on task when our hearts threaten to get lost in the emotions of what is going on around us. I was in nurse mode and Life Gift was a check point on my mental list. Now granted I had no experience with them or the process, but it was on the list and by golly I needed that list!!!

Talking to people and blogging have been a great source of healing for me, but not on this topic.  This has been very hard for me to talk about or even think about. It was by far the most painful part of his stay at the hospital. There are many reasons that is so. One of them being that ,as nurse I know some of the reasons why someone would need a liver or kidneys.  As much as I don't want to admit it, even knowing not every reason is self-neglect, I questioned you. Would you take care of yourself and recognize what you have been given?  Also just having the conversation about what Jake was eligible to donate and what all of that entailed was incredibly hard.  There is a hard and fine line when you talk about such things. It's incredibly difficult.  And to be very honest I didn't like the Life Gift Coordinator.  I'm not sure I could give a reasonable explanation.  I'm sure she is a nice person, but I didn't like the things she was saying, or how I felt when she said them and that colored the experience as well.  There are many reasons, but by far the hardest part was the waiting.  I had no idea how long the lab work and matching process would take. I had mentally prepared for everything to happen Thursday early morning, but by 3:30-4:00 in the afternoon and after hearing "just about 30 minutes more" for the fourth or fifth time I was about to lose it.  I really can't explain to you what it's like to know that your baby is gone, but is still with you, that there is no hope what so ever that he will ever open his eyes or smile even one more time. I was also terrified that he would code and my plan to hold him to the end would be taken away from me. It was really the only thing I had left. He didn't code and at about 5 pm I helped remove all the tubes and he was disconnected from the respirator and I put my ear to his chest. I held him and sang and listened as his heart slowed, he gave up his spirit and then it stopped. I stood up and kissed him before they rolled him away so he could save you.

It's hard for me to talk about, that’s  not likely to change anytime soon. I imagine it's hard for you too.  I can't imagine what you must have gone through.  Jake's gift to you was another chance at life but whether or not you realize it, you gave me a gift as well. You gave me time. Time, though extremely difficult, time, that I could never get back.  Precious time and moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

Some day maybe we will meet, I'll hug your neck and you'll hug mine.  There will likely be a connection that neither of us will be able to put words to.  Until then, know that I don't regret a thing!  Nothing!  I am at peace with it all! It's not at all how I thought Jake's story would go ,but I am incredibly thankful for the time I had with him and so unbelievably proud to be his mom.  God has allowed me to see so much over this last year of the good He has worked from our agonizing loss and you are but a piece of that.   I pray that you are healing well, that you love deeply those in your life and hold them tight, that you are blessed with good health, that you have learned the value of every moment, as I have, and that you realize the gift you have given me. 

Most Sincerely,
Jake's Mom