A Sojourner In My Grief

A sojourner in my grief, that's what I prayed for. Someone on the same path that could come along side me in my grief. It felt like such an impossible request and I'm not sure I fully comprehended what I was asking for, but nevertheless the words were spoken and the request was made.

Grieving is such hard and lonely work. I can't imagine God ever intending for someone to do it completely alone. It's a thought I have clung to over the years actually...God, you said it is not good that man should be alone. But despite the promise of those words I do so very often, especially in my grief, feel completely and utterly alone. I realize, of course, that I am very rarely  completely alone. I have the boys, co workers, friends and family. My life is so full in fact, I very rarely have time when I'm completely alone. That being said grief has a way of making you feel alone in a crowded room of people. And so the prayer...please God send someone who could walk along side me in this, someone who is not afraid of tears, who understands that my missing Jake will last a lifetime, a sojourner in my grief...

One of my favorite books is The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis. I was listening to it yesterday and was struck by a dialog between Digory and Fletch. Digory had been sent on a quest by Aslan to retrieve an apple from his garden. It’s quite a bit farther away than either Digory or his companion, Fetch, realized and by evening having not yet reached their destination, they were both hungry.  Fletch, being a winged horse, begins to eat the grass but Digory has nothing to eat. After a humorous conversation explaining that boys can not eat grass, Digory says and I'm paraphrasing ..."you would have thought Aslan would have sent me with food for my journey." To which Fletch replies, " yes, but I get the impression that Aslan is the type that likes to be asked."

I love the way Lewis captures the truths of God's nature in the story. God indeed delights in our asking. Sometimes I feel like He has said, "I have been waiting so long for you to ask." Matthew 7 says it this way, " how much more will your Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him?"

Part of me doesn't even want to use that verse or talk about prayer and asking God for things, because there have been far too many times when the answers to my prayers have not been what I had hoped for. If I'm truthful I would have to admit that I've have a pretty bad attitude regarding prayer for a long time. I sometimes fall into despair and feel like my asking won't do any good anyway. I'm thankful for a children's story to remind me that the asking isn't so much about the answer, than it is about the relationship. He longs for us to share our hearts with Him and to keep coming back even when the answers aren't what we had hoped for. His love for me is no less abundantly lavished in the "no" than in the "yes".

Thankfully and so very unexpectedly He has answered my cries for a sojourner on my journey. I could never have expected how completely my prayers would be answered. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled to also be an answer to someone else's cries and prayers. There is no way I could express completely the relief of having someone to come along side me in my journey, who seeks the Lord as I do and has known the brokenness that results from hearing prayers answered with "no."
God has been so very tender with me and helped me understand that though He delights in bringing beauty from the ashes, He takes no delight in the ashes themselves. No price has been extracted from my loss to now have my prayers answered "yes". I feel it’s worth repeating that He abundantly lavishes His love on me with both the “no” and the “yes”and He delights over me regardless of my response.

I'll end with these words written to my by the one God has sent...

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  I've read that another way to translate it is "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be brought near."  He comforts by drawing us near.  I love that translation, because He is nearer than ever.  There can be no greater blessing than to be in His presence.  To have Him near.  But we do not mourn to be blessed.  We are blessed because we mourn.  It's a promise.