Beauty for ashes...

This past summer I had the amazing privilege of setting up a dorm room with a smart, beautiful young lady, who I pray I will one day call daughter.  We have gone shopping, had lunches, shared favorite Starbucks, gone to get nails done, tried on dresses at Dillard’s…and talk or text just about daily.  I have grown to love her with all my heart.  It escapes neither of us that she is less than a month older than Jake, that I am a mother missing a child and she is a child missing her mother. It would seem absurd to both of us to somehow wipe away the past, pretending it not there, and use each other as replacements.  She freely speaks to me about her loss, her mom, her sadness and I do the same. Having her in my life does not in any way replace Jake, it doesn’t make up for losing him or ease the ache of missing him.  At Christmas when Jake would have been helping me bake cookies and pies, having her there with me instead, will not in any way fill the gaping hole left by Jake’s absence.  In fact sometimes having her there accentuates the lose and later when I’m alone the tears fall harder.  I’m getting to share experiences with her that I will never be able to with Jake and I am also painfully aware of the grief and sadness that she must feel without having her mom present. It’s a position that neither of us wanted or asked for.  A club neither of us wanted to join.  In fact I told her the other day, “I feel so lucky to have you in my life.  I wish none of it had to happen, but since it did and we had no choice in the matter, I’m so thankful to get to be in your life.” I really am so very thankful.  It feels so good. And I love her, her sister, brother and of course her dad so very much.  I can’t imagine my life without them.  Our families just fit.

Saying all that about another child after losing one of your own is regarded as sweet and socially acceptable.  That’s not always the case when you talk about loving after losing a spouse and yet everything I've just described, I could say just as easily about her dad, Danny.  And I know it's how he feels about having me in his life. It's easy for me to see the parallel.  My love for Jake is not somehow instantly gone with the addition of 3 more children in my life. It’s not diminished in the least!  Neither then is a lifetime of love and devotion somehow cheapened or instantly gone for a widower who finds companionship in another.  In a similar way to the feeling of the infamous “they” thinking grief should some how have a time limit, there is also a public judgement of finding love too quickly.  It feels ridiculous that 2 grown people should feel that social pressure and give it any thought what so ever, but we do.  And it’s not just us.   A quick Google search results in multiple articles, memes and blogs on the subject.  I think it mostly stems from the uncomfortableness of death and dying.  In general, we don’t want to think about dying or losing our spouse or a child.  To think about it for too long is depressing.   Imagining life after lose is unthinkable.  Seeing someone else having to live their life after losing a loved one forces us to briefly look at that possible reality and we don’t like it.  It stirs up too many questions…. “how would I react”, “what would my husband do if I died”…the list goes on.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that nothing in your life will stay the same…nothing.  Everything! Every aspect of your life will be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same. Most of your relationships will be permanently altered, some good, some shocking, but all of them changed.  People you thought would never leave, leave.  And sometimes the most least likely people surprise you by being there in ways you never knew you would need.

Losing Jake left me completely shattered and broken.  Being single at the time of his death, grieving his loss with the responsibility of still having to run a household and parent 3 boys also grieving their brother was overwhelmingly lonely.  It placed me in a position to have empathy and understanding for Danny.  We understand each other’s brokenness in ways few others can. In the same way that my love for all of them will never replace or diminish my love and grief for Jake, I will never replace or diminished their love for Kim.  Danny and his kids are not instantly relieved of their grief by our presence. We continued to grieve the lose of them both.  Their names are spoken freely, sometimes through laughter and fond affection and other times through tears. There are still days when grief strikes hard and feels all consuming and overwhelming.  BUT it’s also been incredible to see how God has moved 2 families together and is slowly bringing beauty from the ashes.

Isaiah 61 says of the Lord… He has come to “bind up the broken-hearted…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve… --to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

None of us wanted this. We didn’t ask for it, but since it did and we had no choice in the matter…. I am so incredibly thankful that God has chosen to bring beauty from it…