Life Goes On

"I'm not Jake, Mom."

Zach and I went to Washington DC for his 8th grade trip over Spring Break last week.  We both had a nice time. The trip was filled with history and moments of awe. Zach had the honor and privilege, along with his friend Walker, to lay a wreath at The Tomb of the Unknown at Arlington Cemetary, we toured the Capitol, Supreme Court building, many of the Smithsonian museums and monuments of great men and war remembrance. I enjoyed the time away with Zach, making memories and new friends.  I had been able to go with Jake to New York for his 8th grade trip, so it made it even more special to be able to do the same with Zach and I look forward to spending the time with Ben and Nate when it's their year for their 8th grade trips.

As it is the case with most things now that Jake is gone, there is an element of bittersweet in everything. I realized quickly on day 1 of our trip that it was going to be a very different trip from the one I had taken with Jake to New York, for multiple reasons really. Different city, different  nature of the trip, different  group of kids and adults, and most importantly, this was Zach's trip, not Jake's.

That would have been the case no matter what the circumstances. No one will ever replace Jake, nor would I want them to and as painful as that is, it's how it's suppose to be. I miss him so very much that it's physically painful and I don't see that changing anytime soon. At the same time I am overwhelmingly thankful for the time we had together and for all the beautiful and fun memories. All that being said, I have four sons, not just Jake.  Four different, amazing, talented, smart, funny and unique sons that I love dearly. Jake will always be missed, but I don't want his death to be the end. I intend to enjoy and cherish every moment, good or not so good, with each of my boys as long as I have them with me.

Zach told me on the first day of our DC trip, when I was trying to get him to take a goofy picture with  me, "I'm not Jake, Mom."  At first it made me a little sad, but then I let those words really sink in. No, you're not Jake, Zach. You are Zach and I love you to the moon and back again.